


Reasons

by mssdare



Series: Reasons [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Anger Management, Angst, Armitage Hux is a Jerk, Ben is 17, Ben is unhappy, Ben's POV, Coercion, Complete, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Depression, Drugs, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Family Issues, Grooming, M/M, POV Kylo Ren, Protective Hux, Self-Harm, Sexual Coercion, Smoking, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, benarmie, but he is also a sweetheart, references to Alzheimer's disease, smoking weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-12-25 10:28:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12034008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssdare/pseuds/mssdare
Summary: 17-year-old Ben Solo would be a great student if only he weren’t a walking human disaster, prone to fits of anger and self-loathing, and spending more time gaming or chatting to his questionable online ‘friend’ than studying. His last chance at school is to collaborate on a project with Armitage Hux—an equally brilliant student, but also a stuck-up jackass. As they work together, the initial hostility between them starts to melt away, giving way to friendship and sexual fascination.Sometimes the process of getting to know someone else might also be the way to save them./Or in other words:Ben is 17, unhappy, angry, playing League of Legends all the time, and talking to Snoke a lot, letting the old creep manipulate him. Then Luke makes Ben work with Hux on a science project. Things happen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you are worried about the tags, please see the end notes for some warnings / explanations.
> 
> Many thanks to my beta Sillygoose, and also Daroh and Con Riley for encouragement! Any mistakes remaining are due to the fact that I tend to tweak things before posting!
> 
> Thank you Ktula and Harlanhardway for the help with the new summary!

_You have to patiently learn to live together with your shadow. And carefully observe the darkness that resides within you. Sometimes in a dark tunnel you have to confront your own dark side._

\-- Haruki Murakami, in his acceptance speech for the Hans Christian Andersen Literary Award

 

 

**#TUESDAY**

Luke’s office smelled like old books and herbal tea, and the scent was making Ben ill. His stomach churned around the cereal he’d eaten that morning. His leg was bouncing uncontrollably despite his efforts to calm himself. He’d expected detention again, but instead he’d been made to sit in the vacant office, staring into a wall lit by the spring sun, waiting. He wanted to be out of here, now, before he suffocated. It was terrifying how a place so familiar and safe could evoke a desire for death—vanishing into oblivion, instantly and forever.

He chewed on the side of his thumb. The cuticle tore a little, unnerving him, and when he pulled on it with his teeth it ripped and a drop of blood appeared. He scowled. The pain wasn’t a big deal, really, he was used to way more, but it stung in an unpleasant way and he knew it’d take days to heal as he’d keep bothering it. _Terrific_.

He blew some air on his thumb and then put his hand underneath his thigh so he’d stop messing with the cuticle. Since his iPhone lay on the secretary’s desk on the other side of the door, and there was no clock on the wall, there was no way of telling how long he’d already been sitting here, waiting for Headmaster Skywalker. Although Ben could never make himself think of Luke as anything other than _Uncle_ Luke…

The door behind Ben creaked on its hinges, and Luke strode in.

 _Finally_ , Ben thought. Perhaps he’d get a scathing lecture on his reprehensible behavior. Or maybe he’d be sent home before the final class of the day. Ben looked forward to latter. At least at home he’d be able to _breathe_ , maybe play League of Legends for a little while so he could unwind. Maybe he’d chat with Snoke too, to calm down a bit. Snoke usually knew what to say to make Ben feel calmer. Maybe not good, but _better_.

Luke sat behind his desk in silence and started rummaging through the drawers. If he was trying to test Ben’s patience, he was succeeding. He was a champion in this particular sport. Time stretched like an elastic band, and in his mind’s eye, Ben clapped his hands in mock applause for Luke’s persistence.

After a couple more long minutes passed by without Luke addressing him, Ben decided his day couldn’t really get much worse. “Can’t you just scold me already so we can both be done with this shit?”

Luke looked up with a reprimand in his gaze but still said nothing. Fucking old goat.

Ben stood up. “Tell me again what a disappointment I am, how I worry my poor mother, how I’m following in my grandfather’s footsteps. Tell me how I don’t deserve to be here, how I’d have been expelled ages ago if I wasn’t your nephew. Let’s just get it over with.”

“Sit down, Ben,” Luke said, with that strange authority in his voice that always made Ben obey like a weak-willed dog, no matter how furious he was.

He sat, worrying at his ripped cuticle again. It had stopped bleeding before, but now a fresh red drop was welling up.

He really didn’t want to be here. He wanted—no, he _needed_ —to be outside. Now. He was going to implode if he didn’t leave at once.

That had actually been the cause of his current situation, though—this inability of his to endure, to not throw a tantrum, as the teacher had called it. Ben just couldn’t sit and listen anymore. He couldn’t stand the idiotic rambling. Which led to him speaking his mind, which led to him losing his shit, which led to a shouting match, which ultimately led to Ben throwing his chair into the wall. If only anyone could understand that he _literally_ just couldn’t contain it. But no one ever understood—not the teachers at school, not the psychologist he was forced to see every fucking month, not anyone, anywhere. Well, maybe Snoke did understand him, or at least sometimes it seemed that way.

A quick, sharp knock on the door startled Ben out of his musings.

“Come in,” Luke said.

The door opened and a tall, lanky redhead came in. _Armitage Hux._

Ben turned back to Luke with disgust. He wasn’t a Hux fan, but who was? The boy was a shrewish, uptight smartass. Not that anyone would expect anything less from the son of General Hux—a politician so stubbornly conservative that it was surprising he’d even fathered a son. Ben’s mother gritted her teeth in annoyance each time she had to face the General in her congressional meetings.

Hux’s school outfits were beyond immaculate, and his appearance was so fucking neat and tidy that he was practically artificial. His high, cheekbones, pale eyes and soft pink lips finished the picture of _a perfect boy_. Ben wanted to muss Hux’s hair to make him look somewhat more human and less like a model cut out of a fancy fashion magazine. Not that Ben would actually dare to do that. There was an air of the untouchable about Hux; even if both he and Ben were juniors, there was a quality of adulthood about him, as if he was out of Ben’s league, mature in a way Ben would never be. And that made Ben loathe Hux even more.

“I’m sorry,” Hux said. “I didn’t realize you were occupied. I was told to come inside.”

Luke made gesture of invitation. “Yes, come in. Have a seat, please.”

Hux glanced at Ben and sat.

“Good.” Luke smiled, although there wasn’t really anything _good_ about their current situation. “Gentlemen,” he said, making the word sound awfully like “brats” to Ben’s ears. Hux looked up attentively, with a politely blank expression on his face. “I assume you are familiar with each other,” here Luke checked the sheet of paper in front of him, “even though you don’t have any classes together.”

“Right,” Ben muttered, wondering if adding “fortunately” would be too much. Next to him Hux gave a curt nod but didn’t say anything. He was still waiting with that air of polite attention, and Ben wanted to scream right into Hux’s ear to not be so artificial and false.

“That’s good. Because I have excellent news for you two.”

Luke pushed a folder with applications toward them. “You have both signed up for the State Science and Engineering Fair this year, and I am happy to inform you that both your applications have been accepted. Your science teacher Mrs. Kanata and I have discussed this, and we’d like for you to work together on this project. We are confident you two are well equipped to succeed in this competition as a team.”

“What?” Ben asked, probably a bit too loudly, but surely Luke wouldn’t make him work with that ginger asshole?

“Mr. Skywalker,” Hux said, leaning forward slightly in his chair to glance at the folder. His voice was controlled, but Ben could feel the disgust and rage behind it. “I am thrilled to be chosen to participate, but could I work alone on my project?”

Ben scowled. He had no desire to work with Hux either, but it still prickled to be rejected out loud.

“Well,” Luke said, tapping at the folder. “You both knew when you signed up that you’d be representing this school, and this school believes that your combined talents will make us a very strong participant. Mr. Hux, you’ll see that Ben is a suitable partner—his engineering and building skills should match your knowledge of physics. I don’t have to remind you that the prestige from this competition and the judge’s evaluation might become an asset for your future college applications. It’s a great opportunity for both of you as well as for our school.”

Neither of them spoke.

“Very well.” Luke closed the folder. “It’s settled, then. Submit the final outline of your idea by the 3rd of May and feel free to talk to me or Mrs. Kanata if you need any advice. The final presentation is on the 3rd of June, and please remember that you’ll also have to submit a working thesis along with the project itself. I recommend you start right away to be well prepared. And… good luck!”

Hux nodded and stood up. Ben started to stand up too, but Luke made a gesture to stop him. “Ben, I want to speak to you about one more thing. Mr. Hux, you may go, thank you.”

When Hux left the room, Ben took a breath to start arguing. “You can’t make me work with that… that _robot_!”

“Enough!” Luke said. “This is your last chance, Ben. Don’t waste it. You have the rest of this semester and then senior year to go, and I won’t tolerate your behavior any longer, no matter how smart you are and no matter that you are my nephew. You’re practically an adult, so think about what you want out of life. If you want to throw your future away, that’s your call, but I thought you were brave enough for a challenge.”

Ben swallowed over the lump in his throat and for once said nothing. He could feel his cheeks burning and his hands balling up into fists, but he knew Luke well enough to decipher his tone of voice as a warning that arguing further was useless.

“You may go now. And Ben? Be kind to Armitage. He’s been going through a lot lately and he might need a friend right now.”

 _Yeah, whatever,_ Ben thought but didn’t say out loud as he turned to the door.

#

Hux was waiting for Ben outside Luke’s office.

“Give me your phone number,” he said, “since you don’t have a Facebook account like a normal human.” He had a sort of permanent sneer on his face that made him especially repulsive to Ben. “Do you at least use WhatsApp?”

“I have a nickname,” Ben said defensively, grabbing his iPhone from the deposit box on Luke’s secretary’s desk.

“Of course you do.” Hux’s inflections made it sound like an insult so demeaning that Ben almost winced.

“Here.” He extended his phone toward Hux so he could read the details.

“Kylo Ren?” Hux smirked, quirking his eyebrow up. “Sounds like a spooky wizard.”

Ben took back the phone, offended. “Well, it’s an LoL nick, so you can just go fuck yourself.”

“Sure it is,” Hux said again. He had a knack for making everything sound sarcastic. “I’m texting you my email address and phone number, so add me to your contacts. I can do tomorrow, and then Mondays from five till seven. Otherwise I’m occupied.” Hux stated it all without bothering to ask whether Ben was okay with the schedule. “And it can’t be at my place so we need to work at yours,” he added, sounding fractionally unsure.

“Okay,” Ben said. His mother was rarely at home anyway.

And that was it. Hux turned and left, making Ben feel as if he’d just been dismissed for the second time in ten minutes. He sighed, picked up his backpack, and walked out of the building.

Outside it was sunny and warm, the spring in full bloom already. Ben frowned at the sky, unhappy that the bright light was blinding him. He pulled his hood up and over his head despite the warmth. At times like this he wished he could be invisible, so that people wouldn’t always fucking stare at him. And they did all the fucking time. He was ridiculously tall and gangly, with his large hands and large everything. He’d let his hair grow long this year so at least it covered his huge ears, but he still felt exposed as if stripped bare. He hunched in on himself, looked at the ground, and pushed through the yard, pretending not to notice the stares of the other students. He didn’t have to be a telepath to know exactly what it was they were thinking: _Look at that dumbass. He made a scene again today. He’s such an idiot._

#

Ben put the spaghetti with pesto Leia had left for him into the microwave, and opened the chat window on his laptop. Bold text was screaming at him with unread messages.

Snoke: _How’s yr day? Up for a game later?_

Ben sighed and typed back one-handed while digging for a utensil in the kitchen drawer.

Kylo Ren: _up 4 game NOW. Had a HORRID day._

Snoke: _What happened?_

The food dinged, so Ben took the plate in one hand and his laptop in the other and relocated to the couch in the living room. He ate in huge, hungry gulps, not minding that the noodles were too hot to swallow. He put his fork down to type.

Kylo Ren: _Landed in Luke’s office_

Snoke: _Again???? What for?_

Kylo Ren: _Threw a chair in class._

Kylo Ren: _Had reasons tho_

Snoke: _ha. As always. What did Luke say?_

Kylo Ren: _he’s making me work with this sociopath as a form of punishment_

Snoke: _?????_

Kylo Ren: _He wants me to partner up on the science project I applied for. Gotta work with this idiot. I hate the guy._

Kylo Ren: _We start this week. Luke wants me to be NICE to him. Ugh._

Snoke: _WHAT?! He can’t tell you who to be friends with._

Snoke: _What does yr mom say?_

Ben winced. He’d have to talk to Leia soon about the whole throwing-the-chair thing. And admit to yet another failure to control his temper during his next appointment with Dr. Kalonia. He could picture the questions she’d ask with perfect accuracy—all the “And how did that make you feel?” and “What do you think triggered it this time?” and “Are you still opposed to trying medication?”—and he really didn’t look forward to that.

Kylo Ren: _Haven’t talked to mom yet. She’s not home._

Snoke: _Figures._

Snoke: _Seriously tho, man, if you don’t want to do something, just don’t do it. You’re too good for that school anyway._

Ben thought that maybe Snoke did have a point. After all, he had gotten accepted for the State Fair on his own, and that was no small thing. Maybe he wasn’t quite as ordinary and dull as the other kids at school, and maybe that was the problem. But he also was sure that he was just too unfit for society. He usually felt like a giant idiot, not the genius Snoke sometimes painted him to be.

Kylo Ren: _Yeah :/_

Snoke: _Y’know. School’s just another form of oppression. I hate to see you getting squashed by the system._

Kylo Ren: _well, nothing I can do now. Can't wait to turn 18. Then I’ll be free._

Snoke: _You could always come here and live with me._

Kylo Ren: _Ha ha_

Snoke: _I’m serious. If you ever feel like you can’t stand it at yr place, you can stay here for as long as you need._

The invitation made Ben feel both relieved that he wasn’t alone, and also a bit uncomfortable. It wasn’t the first time that Snoke had suggested it, but the thing was, as far as Ben knew, Snoke was older—much, much older than Ben. Sometimes Ben wondered what a thirty-something guy got out of chatting with his seventeen-year-old self. But Snoke always said that Ben was way more insightful than Snoke’s real-life friends, and that he liked Ben’s unorthodox approach to the world.

Snoke: _Playing? 3vs3?_

Kylo Ren: _ok. I’m logging in. Invite me?_

Snoke: _ok_

Ben remembered exactly when he had first started talking with Snoke. It was almost a year ago after that one awful game where everyone kept trolling him in the chat instead of playing, and then Snoke had sent a private message to Ben to ask if he was all right, which Ben definitely hadn’t been.

That was the first time in Ben’s life when someone actually reached out to him and then listened—without interruption, without any judgment, without paraphrasing his words to use them against him and mess with his head. Ben had felt understood then, and appreciated, as Snoke was quite a figure in the LoL community. To be friends with him was a privilege.

Now Ben was quite known too. Maybe not particularly sought after, as people thought him too reckless to be a good team member, but known nonetheless.

While waiting for the team to gather, he went to grab some orange juice from the fridge. He briefly considered having a cup of coffee to stay alert, but he was planning on going to bed early for once so he wouldn’t be late for school in the morning.

By the time he’d finished playing and logged out, it was 3:20 a.m. He knew he should’ve stopped earlier, but he’d been completely lost in the game. His head spun and there was a tight sensation in his chest that made him want to cry. Maybe he’d cry for real it if he weren’t so goddamn tired. Sometimes he felt like he wasn’t in control of his own body and mind, as if unseen forces commanded him and he was doing their bidding, following them into nothingness.

He was too exhausted to fall asleep. He lay on his back, in the slowly lightening shadows of his room, replaying some of the moves from the battle and trying to not obsess over the fact that school was starting in a few hours. Despite the small thrill of excitement of doing something new, he dreaded the assignment with Hux.

Birds were chirping loudly and the neighbor’s dog was barking like the stupid shit he was when Ben finally drifted into sleep. The alarm on his phone rang at six and then again at seven, but he couldn’t open his eyes. He just swiped it off and slept on.


	2. Chapter 2

#WEDNESDAY

There were days when Ben felt invincible, as if the world’s energy was focused on him, filling him up with strength he didn’t normally possess. On those days, everything was possible. On those days Ben thought that maybe, _maybe_ the future wasn’t completely dark, that he wasn’t a total waste, and that somehow he’d make it.

But then there were days like today: days on which he’d wake up and fell behind from the start. Getting up was a chore. It was pointless to even make an effort at school, since everything would go to hell eventually, no matter how hard he tried. He dragged himself home after lessons and curled up on his bed, drifting in and out of sleep, waking up only an hour before Hux was supposed to come over for their first scheduled working session.

He wanted to be prepared, but as he looked through the notes he’d scribbled when he signed up for the project, he couldn’t understand his own fucking words. Maybe he’d written it all in some spurt of sudden enlightenment that had passed as soon as he finished the notes. Maybe he was too stupid to actually do it.

He didn’t want Hux to come over, and then there was his math to do too, and that stupid essay for Lit. And he should’ve read that super long story for Spanish class, and now there was no time to do it. And he hadn’t done the grocery shopping his mother had asked him to do. He was so useless. Hopeless. Good for nothing. No wonder everyone hated him. He hated himself.

God, how much he hated himself.

Honestly, he should just do everyone a favor and stop existing.

He felt being ripped apart. Like something inside him was about to burst, and he didn’t know what it was, but it was suffocating him, and burning inside him so painfully that his head spun and dark flashes like spots of black ink obscured his vision until he stopped being aware of his surroundings. He was sure he’d get lost in that smothering pressure, and he needed to do something to get away or he’d really explode.

His teeth clenched so hard that they almost cracked. When his fist hit the wall in front of him and the pain blinded him for a moment, he wasn’t even surprised. The pain always brought him relief, something he could focus on—cold serenity in the midst of chaos. So he punched the wall again and then again, and only stopped when the skin on his knuckles cracked and left a bloody smear on the light-gray semigloss paint on the wall.

The pain oriented him and made him relax, and he sat down on the floor with his back to the wall. He was still breathing hard, but the numb sense of peace was there. He knew he’d regret it later—he always did whenever it happened—but for now he felt better. Or at least calmer. His hand shook, knuckles already swelling up, so he placed his fingers on his leg carefully, waiting for the rest of the storm inside him to pass.

#

When Hux came at 5:00 p.m. sharp, Ben was collected enough to focus on work. His hand was throbbing, but he deserved it—a punishment as good as any for his failures, especially his recurring failure to calm himself down before he got out of control. At least this time the only thing broken was Ben’s skin, which would heal, and not his phone, which wouldn’t. He wasn’t sure he could get another one if he destroyed his again.

Hux must have noticed the injury—it was impossible not to—but mercifully he didn’t comment on it. Nor did he comment on the state of disarray in Ben’s room. He just quirked that eyebrow of his, pushed inside as if he’d expected nothing better of Ben, and shoved a pile of papers, comic books, and clothes out of the way to make room for his laptop on Ben’s floor.

“I’ve got some notes regarding the design I want us to build,” he said, and launched into a description of the project without ever asking Ben for his input.

“The fuck—” Ben started to protest, but it was hard to interrupt Hux when he was in his element. When Hux finally shut up ten minutes later, Ben was engrossed enough in Hux’s design to forget what his own original idea had been, and instead of being mad at how entitled the redhead was, and how little he cared about Ben’s own plans, he was focused on the impracticality of cooling the air-fuel mixture in the engine Hux had described.

The thing was, though, that Hux was… smart. Actually, he was beyond smart. At times his reasoning was faulty, there was no way an engine Hux wanted to do would work. But whenever Ben pointed things out to him, Hux would go red in the face at first, and then he’d recalibrate his calculations. At the end of the evening they had a pretty good idea of what exactly they were going to build together.

“All right, then,” Hux said, putting all his notes and laptop back into his messenger bag when his phone beeped at 7:00 p.m. “Make sure you read the articles from the links I’ve sent you by Monday, or there’s no point in me coming over.”

Ben raised his eyebrows. As far as he was concerned, they’d be fine without Ben having to do any more research. But he shrugged in a way that Hux could maybe interpret as assent. He walked Hux down the stairs and was just closing the front door when Leia pulled into the driveway. He left the door open and walked to the car to help her with her bags. She’d gotten takeout, assuming correctly that she’d be too late to cook anything even had Ben not failed to get groceries like she’d asked him in the morning.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said, handing Ben a bag with steaming food. By the smell he could tell it was probably Thai, which he didn’t mind but didn’t crave either. “I’m so sorry I’m this late. I picked up some things so you won’t go hungry if I need to stay late tomorrow, too.”

Yes, because Ben was an imbecile who’d starve without his mother.

“Did you have a good day?” Leia asked.

Ben grunted something non-committal in reply. He’d never known how to respond to this stupid question. It always sounded more like a thinly-veiled inquiry into whether he’d gotten into trouble yet again, and less like genuine curiosity about him.

Leia’s phone started to ring as she walked toward the house. She put all the bags on the kitchen table and took the phone out to answer the call while Ben busied himself putting the extra food away in the fridge. There was so much of it, he could guess that he’d see even less of her within the next few days. She always did this—out of guilt, or out of her lack of faith in Ben’s self-reliance.

“Oh my God, what happened to your hand?” Leia exclaimed upon hanging up, and Ben automatically hid both of his hands behind him.

“Nothing.”

When she walked toward him to take his hand to have a look, he turned his head the other way and bit his lip. There was no point in arguing with her, and no point in thinking up excuses like “I fell in gym class.” She’d see through the lies. She always did, as if she had some sixth sense when it came to him.

“It’s nothing, really,” he said, gently removing his hand from her grasp.

She sighed. “It doesn’t look like _nothing_. At least put some Neosporin on it.” Her voice was more resigned than tense or angry, and Ben was grateful she didn’t say anything about talking to Ben’s therapist.

He placed the Thai on the table in the plastic containers it came in, and made a face when Leia shot him a look. What difference did it make if they ate the food directly from the carton rather than off a plate? Plates meant doing dishes. But he didn’t want to get into this again with her, so he took out two ceramic bowls and spooned green curry into them. He licked his fingers when the sauce dripped on them. It was overly spicy, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat it.

“Was that General Hux’s son?” Leia asked as she sat and picked up her chopsticks. She was still glancing at her phone, so Ben took his own out of his pocket and opened up WhatsApp, choosing the conversation with Snoke.

“Yhm.” He nodded and typed one-handed, _Hi, u around?_

“What was he doing over here? Espionage?”

 “You know that project for school, the science fair one?” Ben mumbled around the food, feeling the spiciness burn a hole in his tongue.

“Yeah?” He had Leia’s full attention now.

“We’re working on it together.”

“Oh, honey!” Leia beamed. “You didn’t tell me you got accepted! This is a huge deal. Congratulations!”

Ben waved her praise away with his fork. “Yeah, but Luke’s forcing me to partner up with Hux. He’s such an asshole.” He didn’t specify who he meant—Luke or Hux.

Leia frowned but didn’t say anything. Perhaps she wasn’t too keen on Ben working with her political rival’s son. Her frown deepened when she glanced at something that appeared on her iPhone. She tapped some reply, her food forgotten, so Ben decided his bad behavior must not be as bad as her work. He didn’t blame her, really. After all, her actions had a direct effect on the whole country.

Ben’s phone chimed with a message from Snoke. _Yes, how are you?_

Sometimes Ben wondered if the man was glued to his phone; he always answered Ben’s messages within minutes, no matter the time of day or night.

He typed back, _Game in 15?_

His phone chimed again. _Sure._

“Who are you messaging with?” Leia asked, not looking up from her own phone.

These kinds of questions always aggravated Ben. She just had to pry and pry and pry all the time. “Why do you care?”

Now Leia did look up. “Why wouldn’t I? Is it Han?”

“No.” He wondered if they weren’t speaking again.

They ate in silence for a moment. Ben was anxious to get away before she could ask him anything else, but thankfully Leia didn’t launch into Spanish Inquisition mode tonight. She kept getting distracted by whatever important news flashed on her phone in irregular intervals, and she didn’t even comment at the sight of Ben leaving his almost untouched food by the sink.

Not wanting to push his luck further, Ben grabbed a protein bar from the pantry and headed upstairs.

“Don’t stay up too late playing, hon,” Leia called after him, not looking up from her phone. When he didn’t answer, she sighed loudly.

He hated that he kept disappointing her, but being in her presence aggravated him for no reason, and that made him feel guilty, which then made him angrier. A nasty vicious circle. And he’d had enough of the fucking roller coaster of his mind for one day. After his horrid morning and then later the challenging session with Hux, he felt tired to the bone, exhausted mentally and physically. He just wanted his brain to shut down for a moment.

His phone buzzed in his pocket with more messages, probably from Snoke, already logging in for the game. He opened up his chat.

Kylo Ren: _Here_

Snoke: _You’re late. What kept you so long?_

If Ben didn’t know any better he’d say that there was annoyance threaded in Snoke’s remark. He was probably projecting it.

Kylo Ren: _fucking long day_

Snoke: _More trouble at school?_

Kylo Ren: _No. I skipped school. But had to work on that project I told you about._

Snoke: _With that moron?_

Ben found that he didn’t like Snoke calling Hux a moron. As much as the redhead was a condescending arrogant jerk, he wasn’t _stupid_.

Kylo Ren: _Actually, it wasn’t all bad. The guy’s awful but he’s smart as fuck._

Snoke: _Oh pls._

Kylo Ren: _No, honestly._

Snoke: _my, are u in love or smth?_

Ben didn’t get Snoke sometimes. He couldn’t tell if Snoke was joking right now, or if he was seriously mad that Ben had the audacity to say something nice about someone other than Snoke.

Kylo Ren: _He’s still a bastard tho._

Snoke: _lol. OK then. Playing?_

Ben logged into the game. His hand was starting to ache more, and his fingers were stiff from the swelling, but he hoped they’d hurt less after a bit of gaming.

 

#

Snoke: _What the fuck was that???_

Kylo Ren: _sory. My hand;s messd up. Cant play right_

He couldn’t even type anymore—every move shot a flare of pain up his hand. He winced as he flexed his fingers and curled them back into a loose fist. He thought he’d need some painkillers before bed, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

Snoke: _Did you punch smth again?_

Kylo Ren: _yeah_

At least admitting it to Snoke felt natural, since he never judged Ben’s outbursts. He typed one-handed.

Kylo Ren: _Stupid shit that I am. Doc wants to put me on fckng meds so I stop doing things like that._

Snoke: _Don’t do it, man. You’ll feel much worse after medication—numb and mellow like you’re a fucking zombie. Been there, done that and it’s not the path to take._

Ben wondered if, at this rate, feeling _numb_ wouldn’t actually be an improvement. He thought of the morning and how he’d felt, and he closed his eyes upon the wave of despair and anger that washed over him at just the memory of it. He wished he could delete his feelings somehow, that he could float above them without having to live in the hell of his own head all the time. He realized he hadn’t answered Snoke when the three dots in the chat started to jump again.

Snoke: _Honestly, I worry about you. Don’t take any drugs from the shrinks. I know that they’ll tell you otherwise, and that they will tell you that splitting your fists open is bad for you, but think about it—is it really that bad? I mean, you don’t do any real harm to yourself or to anybody else, so if that calms you down and you feel better, why not have a small fit? Aside from the fact that I’m mad at you for playing like a noob when your hands are busted, I’d say it’s way healthier than meds that will fuck with your brain AND your liver and will turn you into someone you’re not._

Snoke: _Plus, you won’t get hard after those anymore, hehe._

Ben bit the edge of his nail. It wasn’t the first time they’d had that conversation. He couldn’t totally dismiss Snoke’s opinion, and he guessed Snoke would know about side effects if he’d actually tried meds himself. Still, as he stroked his throbbing knuckles lightly, he thought that his way of dealing with himself wasn’t good either. If it were, would he still feel so guilty and shitty and lame after each of his outbursts? True, usually a rage spurt calmed him down, but at the same time it left him so tired and hollow, as if he’d lost something in the process, something he couldn’t retrieve ever again.

Kylo Ren: _yeah_

Kylo Ren _: Sry about the game. I need to go catch up on my homework before they expel me or smth_

Snoke: _No worries. Put some ice on your hand before you go to bed. Ttl!_

Kylo Ren _: ttl_

Ben went downstairs to grab a bag of frozen vegetables in lieu of an icepack. He swallowed down two Advil and then headed back to his room. His math homework wasn’t difficult at all, and he finished it in less than ten minutes. He skimmed his Spanish book for fifteen minutes and jotted some quick notes for an essay. It sounded like a plausible synopsis, which should be enough for now. He could fill in the blanks later. He settled on the bed, but he didn’t feel like going to sleep yet, not before his hand stopped hurting at least, so he opened Hulu on his laptop to watch some Battlestar Galactica, huffing at the technical and physical impossibility of the plot even before it started.

His thoughts kept drifting to the design Hux had showed him earlier, and he found that he was genuinely excited about trying to bring it to life. He wondered if Hux was thinking about it too. He was a dickhead, but at the same time he was a surprisingly easy person to be around. He stayed focused on his goal and didn’t ask Ben any questions unrelated to the project. Most importantly, he didn’t try to make small talk.

He was also strangely pretty, Ben thought. He’d noticed it before, but Hux’s haughty behavior always clouded his looks. Today though, when Hux sat on Ben’s floor pointing to the designs on his laptop, the light from the screen had made his eyes look almost translucent and his skin paler than usual, dusted with barely visible golden freckles. For a moment there, Ben had lost his focus and just stared at Hux’s luminous face, transfixed at the sight of how his eyelashes were almost white. But then Hux had barked at Ben to pay attention and Ben had snapped out of his stupor.

Now, Ben toyed with the idea of jerking off to the mental image of those eyelashes and full, light-pink lips, and his cock stirred at the thought. His hand still throbbed and he was tired, but sleeping without a release wasn’t an option either. Annoyed, he rolled on his stomach and pushed a balled-up dirty T-shirt under his groin. He rubbed his dick over the fabric with quick presses of his hips, seeking pressure at the base of his cock where he needed it most. He forced images of Hux and his slender fingers out of his mind, replacing them with his usual fantasies of faceless bodies fucking, of huge, veiny cocks being thrust deep into asses, dripping with come. Still, he couldn’t get off until his thoughts turned back to Hux—to how it would feel to fuck his skinny, pale ass hard, or how it would feel being fucked _by_ Hux, being told in that arrogant voice what to do—how to eat Hux’s ass and swallow his come.

He came, shuddering, breathing hard into his pillow.

 


	3. Chapter 3

#THURSDAY

When Ben woke up to the shrill tones of his iPhone alarm, he felt more rested than he had the previous few days. Apparently, the upside of not being able to play LoL was going to bed earlier than usual. There was a damp spot on his sheet next to the pillow, and for a moment Ben wondered if he’d cried again during the night without realizing it, until he saw the melted bag with the once-frozen veggies. He stretched out his hand—the swelling had dissipated and it didn’t hurt as much as last night, so he guessed the injury wasn’t so bad after all.

He heard Leia downstairs, puttering around the kitchen.

“Ben, are you up? I’m making breakfast. Will you come down?”

Ben shouted a sleepy “morning” and hid in his bathroom, taking the soiled T-shirt along with him for a quick wash and hoping she’d leave before he was done brushing his teeth.

She knocked at the bathroom door instead. “How’s your hand?”

“It’s okay, Mom. Honestly.” He knew she wouldn’t let it go, so he opened the door, looking the other way while she inspected the injury. “See? I told you it’s fine.”

“I called Dr. Kalonia to see if she could squeeze in an extra appointment with you this month, and she says she can see you next Monday.”

Everything boiled up in Ben. It wasn’t enough that she was treating him like a fucking retard, she had to plan extra therapy sessions for him too?

“Mom, no! I hate that bitch. And Hux and I are working on our science fair project on Mondays!”

“Ben…”

He pushed past her and ran back to his room, slamming his door behind him. He stood in the middle of his room, gritting his teeth, fighting back the black spots of fury ready to sweep him away. He stayed there until he heard the front door close, signaling his mother’s departure. Only then did he go down to pour himself a cup of coffee before school. There was a plate of sandwiches covered in foil left on the table with a Post-it stuck to it. He scoffed at the heart drawn by his mom, but still he sat down to inhale the food.

He wished his mom would let him drive to school, but there’d been that small incident with the speeding ticket, despite him being an excellent driver. When Han was home he usually let Ben take his old battered truck, but with him gone for however long this time around, Ben was forced to walk the twenty minutes to campus. At least it was warm now.

He put his headphones on, Radiohead blasting as loudly as he could endure as he walked in his usual quick stride. The surroundings had a certain surreal quality to them, like a roll from and old Hollywood movie, with the brownstones and old houses with high stairs interspersed with blotches of spring-green lawns and trees. 

His mind kept returning to the project and Hux. After school he could go to the hardware store to buy most of the parts he needed to build the engine; he could order the rest online, or maybe he could weld some things out of spare parts. Then the complicated phase of programming would start. That’s when Hux’s skills would be particularly important.

School was duller than ever, and Ben had to use all his willpower not to fall asleep in the middle of history class. When the bell rang for lunch, though, he groaned in despair. He hated lunchtime. At least during classes he could pretend he didn’t see the stares from other students, that he was preoccupied with the lesson, even if in reality it bored him out of his mind. But lunch was all about being liked and popular and people wanting to see proof of what a total loser he was. He really didn’t have the strength to deal with that shit.  

He placed sticky noodles with meatballs on his tray and sat at a table at the back of the cafeteria, alone and avoided. He pulled his hood up, put the music volume high enough to leak through the headphones, and ate quickly, shoveling food into his mouth and trying not to focus on the lack of flavor.

He looked up when movement at the corner of his vision caught his attention. Hux was passing by with a solitary yogurt cup on his otherwise empty tray. He sat at a table by the window, and soon a tall blonde senior girl named Phasma joined him, followed by that little brown-nose, Dopheld Mitaka. They ate in silence interspersed with polite dialogue, as if they were attending a formal dinner at an ambassador’s residence instead of stuffing their faces in the cafeteria of an obscure high school.

Ben had never noticed it before, but Hux wasn’t as expressionless as he had thought. Sure, Hux sat at that cafeteria table like an ice sculpture, but now that Ben knew what to look for he could see the small twitches of Hux’s lips when he was amused with something Phasma said, or the slight frown when that Dopheld idiot toppled his own yogurt cup over and dabbed at the mess with napkins.

Hux’s hands were even more expressive. Slender fingers, positioned so elegantly on the table, curled each time someone addressed him, trembling a little as if Hux was nervous about something all the time, permanently tense.

Suddenly Hux looked Ben’s way and raised an eyebrow in mock interest, the bastard. Ben turned his head, angry that he’d been caught staring. He got up and walked out of the cafeteria, not looking back in case Hux was still watching him.

 

#MONDAY

The stupid cog did not want to fit into the tiny space where Ben wanted it to go. He’d spent a good part of his weekend working on the engine, but he was still tweaking the schematics, problem-solving and absorbed in thinking ahead, imagining the next part and then the next, so he didn’t realize it was already five when Hux came knocking at the door. Hux had circled the house to meet Ben next to the garage where he was working.

Ben flipped his safety visor up, painfully aware that his hair was tied up in a knot since it had been bothering him earlier, and that his huge ears were on display, and that he was sweaty and most probably very red in the face. It made him flush deeper and then get angry with himself for being self-conscious in the first place.

“Fuck,” he said, then remembered Hux wasn’t to blame for the sorry state of his existence. If only he’d kept his eye on the time he wouldn’t be in this situation, which made him even angrier with himself. He had to dig his nails into his palms to get control over his voice. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was so late.”

Hux looked at him from where he stood with a strange expression on his face. He too was a bit flushed, perhaps from the heat wave that had gripped the city the last few days. He didn’t say anything, just fucking _stared_ , so Ben continued talking, more annoyed by the second.

“So, are you coming in or what?”

Hux startled out of his stupor and came closer to examine Ben’s work.

“Is this the…? Of course, it is. I can’t believe I’m asking redundant questions,” he muttered quietly, so that Ben probably wasn’t meant to hear the derision in his voice. “This part is wrong,” he said aloud, looking the construction over and pointing to the cog that Ben had struggled with earlier.

“No, it isn’t,” Ben said, even though Hux was right.

Hux snorted. “Okay, then. Did you manage to start on the main matrix? You didn’t reply to my emails about it.”

Ben chewed at his lip. He _had_ read the emails, but hadn’t felt like replying. He didn’t answer to Hux. And he hadn’t gotten that far in the work anyway. This was just a start, a first attempt, and Ben knew he would have to implement a lot of changes or maybe even start the whole thing over from scratch before he got it right. But of course Hux had to be a dick about it.

Hux took out his iPhone and snapped pictures of Ben’s work from every possible angle. “If you’d followed the design I sent you, this”—he pointed at the offending part again—“wouldn’t be here, and this…” He indicated a chip Ben had sealed in earlier. “This is attached to the wrong circuit, so it won’t work with the chip later.”

For a moment Ben wanted to shove the soldering iron into Hux’s hands and be done with this stupid partnership. But when he made a move toward Hux, the redhead took a sudden step back, something like panic flickering through his eyes. Ben hated that he was getting adept at reading the subtle expressions on Hux’s face. But he hated even more that Hux thought he had to fear Ben. He threw the soldering iron outside, onto the grass.

“Fuck it. I need a break.”

“We should go over the design _before_ you start working, otherwise you’ll need to start all over again.” Hux needled Ben while he followed him to the porch stairs where Ben had left a can of Coke earlier. Ben sat down and took a sip, but the liquid was warm and vile-tasting now, and it bubbled unpleasantly in Ben’s mouth. “And maybe even again after that. You’re not much for following rules and good advice, are you?”

Ben shrugged. It was the way he did things, his process. He always built things again and again until finally they worked like he wanted them to.

Hux frowned and took a pack of cigarettes out of his school bag. He lit one of the cigarettes with a Zippo lighter he produced from his pocket. A small puff of smoke dissolved in the backyard air as Hux leaned on the porch railing and exhaled with his face turned to the sky.

“You smoke?” Ben asked, with more genuine surprise than disgust in his voice. Hux was always so _neat_ and proper that a cigarette just didn’t quite fit his image.

Hux raised his eyebrow. “Does it bother you?”

It sounded like a dare, which Ben ignored, considering the question for real instead. Somehow the cigarette suited Hux, held lightly in between Hux’s delicate fingers. The way Hux’s lips curled around it as he took another drag and the way he closed his eyes for a split second on exhale, pale eyelashes fluttering, made him look ethereal and rebellious at the same time.

Ben swallowed. “No.”

Hux narrowed his eyes, challenging Ben to admit to a lie, but when Ben said nothing Hux leaned back again and continued to smoke in silence. Ben could see that he took care to direct the smoke away.

“So,” Hux asked when he stubbed out the butt carefully and tossed it in Ben’s Coke can, “are you sure you don’t want to add anything to the outline of the thesis I emailed you?”

Ben shook his head. “No, it’s all good. I’ll add the final diagram at the end when this fucker starts working.”

“Not a fan of writing?” Hux asked, and perhaps it didn’t sound condescending but Ben took it that way anyway. “What will you do after you’re done with school? Have you picked out a college already?”

Ben made a face. He didn’t have any plans, really, apart from breaking out of here and doing _something_. Maybe he’d visit Snoke, find a job somewhere, and leave all the bullshit of family expectations behind. He still had time to figure it out, anyway.

“You?” He deflected the question instead, because surely Hux’d had his whole future planned out since preschool.

Hux smiled that weird half-smile of his that looked way more bitter than happy. “I want to go study engineering at MIT.” He waved toward the engine, like it was living proof of Hux’s interests. “But my father will pop a vein if I don’t get into West Point. They have a good engineering program too, so honestly, I don’t think it matters much. But…” He hesitated. “I’m not—” He stopped there, chewing at his lip.

“You’re not?”

“Well, physically fit enough.” This was said through clenched teeth with an angry tone of voice, even though it was Hux who’d started this conversation. “I’m good at track, as you know, even though I smoke. But that’s not what they’re looking for. I applied to SLE this year, but I haven’t heard back from them yet,” Hux said after a beat of silence.

“What’s SLE?”

“Summer Leaders Experience for Juniors at West Point. It’s supposed to be this exciting taste of what the real thing will be later, but basically? It’s a survival camp. I _am_ looking forward to classes but not the physical part of it.” He laughed bitterly again. “I’d better get in, otherwise my father will make a _real_ survival camp for me here.”

That was the most Hux had said about himself since Ben started working with him, and Ben didn’t know what to do with that information. He looked up at Hux, who stood there watching him too, as if waiting for Ben to react in a certain way. And when Ben didn’t, Hux looked away, maybe with disappointment or maybe sadness, Ben couldn’t tell. When he composed himself again, he was back to his no-nonsense, stiff-as-a-board mode. “We should go work now. I want to add something to the thesis, and I want to run some diagrams by you.”

They moved to Ben’s bedroom, huddling over Hux’s impressively detailed drawings. Hux wanted to build in an oscillator to make the engine self-sufficient, and Ben was getting sick of Hux’s explanations of Meissner generators and quartz crystals.

“Just… fuck. Okay. Just draw me what you want again, and I’ll fucking put it together,” he whined in the end, not wanting to hear a word more. It wasn’t that he was bad at physics, but he was better at practical applications. He could understand the process and scheme of a mechanism, but to pointlessly dissect it, to attach more _theory_ to it than was necessary? That was so fucking tiring and just not worth the hassle.

“The point is, you should have left enough space for the tape to go around the induction mechanism, and I saw that you didn’t.”

Ben had to count to fucking ten not to lash out because that part had been a true bitch when he’d been putting it all together over the weekend. “Then I’d need to rework this processor here too,” Ben said, stabbing angrily at the design with his finger.

“But,” Hux continued, hushed a bit, “I think I can work with your alterations and change this cooler here?” He leaned over and moved Ben’s hand away gently, so surprisingly gently, that the light touch and Hux’s clean scent made Ben hot all over.

And when Hux turned to Ben with an actual smile and said, “It’s coming out pretty well, isn’t it? I have to admit that I like some of your changes. You’re actually brilliant at it,” Ben felt as if he was flying for a brief moment, elated and drunk with the compliment, almost bursting at the seams.

The feeling of elation lasted all through the dinner with Leia later, when Ben didn’t even mind the suspicious tone of Leia’s question, “Was that Armitage again? Hux’s son?”

“Yhm,” Ben had hummed around the food. He couldn’t explain how the mention of Hux made heat rise on his cheeks. “I told you—we’re working on the science project together.”

“He’s not giving you a hard time, is he?” she asked.

“What? No. It’s fine. He’s fine.” Toady was more than fine, actually, but Ben was embarrassed to mention his little success in making Hux pleased with Ben’s ideas today. 

Over dinner Leia’s phone kept chiming, but she tried to ignore it, even if she stole nervous glances at it every time the sound went off. Ben wondered if the crisis was still the same one as before—the leak of some super sensitive information about military operations—or if new trouble was brewing.

“Won’t you get it?” he asked when the phone started vibrating with an incoming call. “I’m going upstairs anyway. Have some more homework to do. I’ll clean up here.”

She shot him a grateful look and took the phone to her office.

Ben took the plates, rinsed them off, and loaded them into the dishwasher. There was a bottle of white wine on the table that Leia hadn’t poured for herself during dinner, so he put it in the fridge for later, when she’d be done with work for the evening.

#

He was in the middle of a losing LoL match, his headphones on and lights dimmed in his room, when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He almost jumped out of his skin, but just as he slipped his headphones off, Leia said, “Sorry, Ben. I knocked but you didn’t hear me, and I wanted to talk to you.”

Ben squinted back at the screen where his team was losing badly. “One moment, Mom.” He typed in “afk” and hoped that whatever Leia had to say wouldn’t take more than a few minutes. He sure as fuck wasn’t getting busted for leaving a match, especially when his team really needed him.

“I have to go away tomorrow for a little while again,” Leia said. “There’s some drama I have to attend to.”

“How long?” he asked, even though he wasn’t particularly curious about it. She shouldn’t feel guilty about it. She was an advisor to the NSC. It was her fucking job.

“I should be back within two weeks. Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I asked Han to come back home so you wouldn’t be alone in the house but you know how your father is.” She looked away.

“’S okay,” Ben said. On the computer screen the match was winding down.

“Ben.” He felt Leia’s hand on his own and stiffened.

For some awful reason, he hated, _hated_ , being touched by her. It made him feel like the worst son on Earth, but he couldn’t control it. He looked at Leia’s fingers wrapped around his and prayed for the moment to pass quickly without her noticing his discomfort.

“I know it’s not the best time…”

“Mom, it’s okay. I’ll be fine on my own. I’m not a baby.”

Leia rubbed her fingers softly over his, and Ben had to grit his teeth to endure it. “Yes, but you’ve been so agitated lately. I don’t want to leave you when you’re not feeling all right. I wish you would go to that extra appointment with Dr. Kalonia.”

“What?” He pulled his hand away. “No! I told you I can’t. Besides, I’m _fine_ , Mom.”

Somehow she managed to look both hurt and disappointed. On the screen the match was fucking over, and Ben was probably getting a penalty. Fuck.

Leia caught him staring at the screen and sighed.

“Anyway, you’ve got money on the prepaid, and I’ll ask Arthu to cook something and freeze it for you.”

He nodded. Whatever. It wasn’t Arthu’s job to cook; she was just an old lady who cleaned their house once a week. But he could always order something in.

Leia sat for a while longer, but when Ben didn’t offer anything more, just chewed on his lip, anxious to check his points and argue his way out of the LoL penalty, she got up.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk to Luke about that assignment with Hux’s son? I don’t want you to feel pressured by anything…”

Irritation flared within Ben’s chest—hot and violent. “No, Mom. Again. Not. A. Baby. I can handle this.”

Finally, Leia turned to leave. “And you won’t reconsider the appointment?”

Ben looked up. “Mom, I’ve told you this three times already. No.”

She held his gaze for a while until he turned away. “Okay. I’ll let Dr. Kalonia know you won’t be able to make it.” She sighed, sounding resigned. “Love you, hon. Don’t spend this whole time gaming,” she said upon leaving the room. 

Ben opened his Gchat window. Bold text blinked at him accusingly.

Snoke: _WTF???????_

Kylo Ren: _mom came over. Sorry man._

Snoke: _FUCK_

Snoke: _we totally had them_

Ben wanted to say that no, they didn’t, but arguing with Snoke was pointless.

Ben: _yeah. Sorry. But I won’t be interrupted next time. she’s going away._

Snoke: _For how long?_

Kylo Ren: _at least_ _2 weeks._

Snoke: _Sweet. Won’t you starve?_

God, what was it with people thinking Ben couldn’t take care of himself? Comments like that made him remember Snoke was closer to Leia’s age than his own.

Kylo Ren: _Yep. That I will._

Kylo Ren: _Got to go, catch up on more homework than it’s humanly possible to do. I wasted away my afternoon on the project._

Snoke: _right, how’s that going?_

Ben took a breath. Something told him he shouldn’t admit to Snoke how much he’d enjoyed today.

Kylo Ren: _don’t fucking ask_

Snoke: _heh, the redhead is getting on your nerves?_

Ben wondered when he’d told Snoke that Hux was a redhead. There were so many things Ben didn’t remember doing when he felt fucked up.

Kylo Ren: _again, don’t even fucking ask._

Snoke: _lol. Ok._

Snoke: _I’m off now. Have work to do, too. ttyl yes?_

Snoke’s work had something to do with data analysis for large corporations, or something mundane like that. Ben didn’t really care.

He signed off the game, still annoyed about the match and the fucking penalty, and missing the feeling of happiness (because he didn’t have any other name for the feeling) from earlier. His head throbbed, and he rubbed at his eyes. He envied people who could just shrug off any misfortune and move on. He didn’t dwell on his failures per se, but there was always some excess negative energy burning within him, and finding a way to release it would be fucking nice. Some way other than throwing his phone across the room or punching a wall.

Perhaps he felt too much too strongly, like Dr. Kalonia thought. Or perhaps there was too much to think about and his brain just couldn’t handle it. How could Hux be so collected all the time and not appear stupid?

He left all the lights on, because—as shameful as it sounded—he was still afraid of the dark sometimes, even at his age.


	4. Chapter 4

#MONDAY

When Ben was twelve, Leia sent him to a summer sleep away camp. On the first day, during a hiking trip in the woods, a counselor was climbing up a steep rock face. Ben stood atop that rocky hill with the other campers and could see the counselor reaching out with her hand, almost closing it over the waiting fingers of another staff member, Ian. And then she just fell. There was the dull sound of her body meeting the ground and her cry, at first, “I’m okay, I’m okay,” and then much more panicked, “Ian! Ian!”

Ben had helped get the woman onto a makeshift stretcher and carried her out of the woods to a helicopter, trying the whole while not to look at the open wound with her patella exposed. And it was only after they’d transported her that he realized he’d bitten his lip so hard there was blood trickling down his chin.

Now he felt as if he was that girl lying at the bottom of the cliff, crying out, “I’m okay!” when he was so not okay.

He literally couldn’t get up.

His limbs were too heavy. His head hurt and his eyes hurt, and there was no point in even trying to move, what with the tons of weight on his chest constricting his breathing.

He wanted to dissolve. To vanish, so the pain would go away.

The past week had been a blur of rinse and repeat. Ben would open his eyes to the sound of his ringtone, and then again to text back, “ _yes, mom_ ,” when Leia wanted to make sure Ben was up for school. He endured the time at school somehow, pushed through his homework, played LoL, and went to sleep when it was getting light outside and he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. With each passing day, though, he felt heavier, as if a thick cloud of dark energy was trying to swallow him. There was a constant bitter taste of lack of sleep in his mouth, and he got into the habit of trying to rub away the icy chill of tiredness that sat deeply in his chest. Coffee in the morning and Red Bulls during the day made him jittery, but otherwise he wouldn’t be able to get up at all, never mind stay awake in class.

The weekend was even worse. Hux didn’t respond to Ben’s email about a few new ideas, and Ben had taken the blow with as much grace as he could. He should have expected that Hux’s praise would be short-lived, and that in reality he hated working with Ben and thought he was inferior. It was always like that—the higher Ben flew, the more painful the crash was afterwards.

Now, he stopped breathing for as long as he could and cursed the survival instinct that forced him to finally inhale. Taking in air hurt too, and he curled in on himself, shutting his eyes and willing his mind to go blank. The tightness in his chest was unbearable. The light of the sun was unbearable. His thoughts were unbearable. He squashed his face into his pillow and bit the fabric and focused on _surviving_ , one small breath at a time.

#

Hours passed, or maybe days, when a noise made Ben open his eyes.

He thought he’d heard someone ringing the doorbell earlier, but Ben hadn’t had enough energy to get up and check. But then there was this insistent knocking, and then more ringing, and he really couldn’t ignore that for much longer.

He balled up the blanket he was huddling under in his sweats and hoodie. He sat, as if in slow motion. He stood. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. They both seemed to be working but felt incredibly heavy as he moved slowly down the stairs and to the door. He was sure he was dying after all. Every step was like a huge undertaking, and if the person behind the door stopped knocking for one fucking second Ben would happily drop to the floor and just stay there, because nothing mattered and everything still hurt too fucking much.

He opened the door to Hux’s raised hand. “Hux?” And fuck, of course he’d forgotten. “What? Is it five already?” ~~~~

“Well, _obviously_.” He did a double take at Ben’s appearance. “Were you asleep? Are you sick? You weren’t at school today.” Hux had the audacity to sound concerned, the bastard.

“Ugh. A bit?” Ben said. He didn’t really feel like discussing his state of mind at the moment, so he went with the easy lie. He wanted to go back to lying down and being left alone. He put his hand on the doorjamb, shivering.

“You don’t look well,” Hux said, and just like that Ben started to cry. He didn’t know why. He felt so embarrassed, but the tears kept pouring down his face and he couldn’t calm himself. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, angry and exhausted and wanting nothing more than for Hux to fucking going away and leave him alone. But Hux pushed through the door, taking Ben’s hand and tugging him to the couch in the living room.

Hux’s hand on Ben’s felt blissfully strong, like a lifeline tethering Ben to something better than his own miserable self, and Ben found that he not only didn’t mind the touch, he kind of wanted it to stay there.

“Ben,” Hux said gently, sounding very unlike himself. “What’s going on? Did something happen to you?”

Ben shook his head. His chest hurt so much. He still wanted to vaporize on the spot, and he couldn’t look at Hux.

He should’ve had an answer prepared. What had he texted Leia this morning? That he took a day off because he needed to focus on the project? Perhaps. He couldn’t remember. He’d need a really good excuse in case Leia or Luke or maybe even Han called to check up on him later. He should’ve been able to come up with something that made sense, but nothing came to mind, and it unleashed a sudden fury in him. The need to break something crashed upon him with lightning speed.

“I just hate myself so fucking much. I’m a fucking moron,” he said, spitting the words out through his teeth with as much force as he could, wishing he could make them hurt, like punching the wall or his own head would hurt.

“You’re really not a moron.” Hux’s voice was still gentle. He didn’t say any of the usual things people told Ben when he was having his outbursts, like “Stop being hysterical” or “You should be grateful for the wonderful, easy, privileged life you’ve got.” And Ben would expect Hux to be especially cruel and condescending.

Instead, Hux sat down next to Ben and asked, “Was there something specific that made you feel like this?”

Ben winced. He didn’t know where to start. “Nothing. I just…” He waved his hand. “I can’t deal with it all. Me. Everything. I don’t know. I just want to—stop existing.” He couldn’t believe he was being so honest all of a sudden. Not defensive, like he usually was with Luke; not evasive, like when he wanted to dodge Leia’s pestering; not deceptive, like with that idiot, Dr. Kalonia. But being honest about not knowing the answer only underlined how stupid and pointless he was.

He didn’t want Hux to look at him, so he lay back on the couch, pulling the hood of his sweater over his head and the blanket up, covering himself, hiding from scrutiny. He wished for death so fucking much.

“Is anyone here with you?”

Ben cleared his throat. “No. Mom’s on a work trip.”

Hux sighed. “And when is she coming back?”

Ben couldn’t remember. He knew she’d told him that, but he just couldn’t remember. “Tuesday?”

“Tomorrow?”

Ben shook his head, despite the fact that Hux couldn’t see his face under the hood and blanket. “No. Next Tuesday, I think?”

“Okay.” Hux’s voice was matter-of-fact, but Ben thought he sensed an undercurrent of unhappiness with the information. “Do you take any medication?”

Ben pushed his face into the back of the couch, spirals of almost physical pain hitting him over and over. “No.” His voice was muffled and he wasn’t sure if Hux could hear him.

He felt the absence of Hux’s hand on his before he heard Hux getting up. For a moment he thought Hux would leave after all, and he could go back to sleep here on the couch, wishing for oblivion like he’d been doing for hours. He found that the thought of Hux being just like everyone else—leaving him, hating him—was painful, though. But Hux just walked to the kitchen, going by the sound of things. Opening his eyes to check what Hux was doing would be too much for Ben to handle.

“Here,” Hux said, sounding surprisingly close. “Take these.”

Ben lowered the blanket to see Hux standing above him with a glass of water in one hand and two small white pills in another.

“What’s that?”

“It’s just a very mild sedative. Kids take it.” Hux placed the pills in Ben’s palm.

“I’m calm,” Ben protested.

“I know. But it will make you feel better.”

Ben wanted to object, but he also wanted Hux to stay and not be angry with him, and if taking whatever Hux was offering was going to placate him, Ben might as well do it. Plus he felt that he could trust Hux’s judgment—Hux was way too responsible to give Ben anything harmful. Not that it mattered, anyway. He swallowed the pills and lay back down.

Hux didn’t ask more questions. He didn’t talk about the project, but he didn’t go home, either. Instead he sat with Ben on the couch, opened a course book he’d brought along, and read in silence.

Ben was drifting in and out of sleep when something cold was pressed into his hand.

“It keeps buzzing,” Hux said, nodding to Ben’s phone. “It looks like someone really wants to get ahold of you.”

Indeed, there were a dozen messages from Snoke with notifications on the lock screen.

Snoke: _r you playing tonight?_

Snoke: _Ben?_

Snoke: _ok, I get that you’re busy with school, but that doesn’t explain being rude and not answering my messages. I expect more from you._

Snoke: _If you don’t answer me within the next hour I’m going to be very disappointed in you._

Ben wanted to tell Snoke to fuck off, but he was afraid that Snoke wouldn’t ever talk to him again, so he typed quickly:

Kylo Ren: _sorry, sorry! Was asleep!_

Snoke: …

Snoke: _Since yesterday?_

Ben knew that Snoke was angry with him, even though he had no reason to be.

Kylo Ren: _Sort of. I’ll tell you later, ok? Hux is here for our project._

Snoke: _Hux. Of course._

Ben closed his eyes for a moment. He didn’t have strength to deal with Snoke’s innuendos. He wasn’t as concerned about them as he normally would’ve been, though. His head was swimming very slightly, almost pleasantly, and the horrible pressure on his chest had eased up a bit. He could take a deeper breath than he had in hours or even days. He exhaled with relief.

“Do you feel any better?” Hux asked.

Ben looked up. It was getting late, and in the orange light cast through the drapes by the setting sun Hux looked almost angelic; his delicate features seemed even softer, his hair glowed as if on fire, and his light-green eyes threw off an amber tint.

“You’re so pretty,” Ben said before he could stop himself, and once it was out there he wanted to bury himself because how could he have said such a thing? Could he blame it on the pills?

Hux flinched and opened his mouth to say something but then stopped himself. He looked resigned, or maybe sad.

“I need to go,” he said. “It’s almost eight. An hour past my usual time.”

The idea of Hux leaving didn’t sound appealing anymore. In fact, it made his heart constrict.

“Don’t go,” Ben pleaded softly, as a blush crept up his cheeks. “Please. I don’t want to be alone.”

Hux sighed. “I really should be getting home. But... All right, I’ll stay a while longer.” He took his phone out to text someone—his parents? Maybe that girl Phasma he seemed to be close friends with?— and then settled back on the couch again.

“So, how come you carry around calming drugs?” Ben asked.

“I… what?” Hux shrugged. “It’s just Atarax. I have allergies. That’s hardly anything unusual.”

“If you say so. I just didn’t peg you as someone who popped Valium on daily basis.”

“I told you, it’s nothing strong. So, how come you’re alone?” Hux obviously wanted to change the topic. “I mean—I know your mom’s not here, but what about your dad? Or your uncle Skywalker?”

Ben shrugged. “Mom’s trying to save the world and all that. And my dad… I’ve no idea where he is right now, to be honest. Probably doing some shady business in Ukraine. Or somewhere in Asia? I’ve lost track of his whereabouts. As for Uncle Luke—I guess you can say that we don’t actually get along too well.”

Ben would normally try to avoid any topics regarding his family, but it was strangely easy to talk to Hux about it. Somehow Ben felt like Hux got him—maybe because their parents did similar things for work, or maybe it was something else entirely, Ben couldn’t tell.

Outside it was getting dark, and after a while longer Hux asked, “Are you feeling better now?”

Ben tried to catalogue his reactions. The anger was still there somewhere, and so was the hopelessness, but the waves of self-hatred were definitely distant now. The feeling of drowning in despair had dissipated, leaving some sadness behind but without the violent urge to annihilate himself. His hands and legs didn’t weigh as much anymore, and he could move.

“Yeah, a bit.”

“I can leave you a few of these, in case…” Hux looked down at his hands, and Ben instinctively covered his still slightly bruised knuckles, even though Hux couldn’t see them. “I have to go,” Hux said finally.

Ben hid his face in the couch until he heard the front door snick shut. Eventually, he drifted into a dreamless sleep. When he woke, he saw there were another two white pills on the coffee table with a note written in Hux’s super-neat handwriting: _For emergency._

Ben placed them in his pocket and dragged himself upstairs to sleep some more.

 

#TUESDAY

As it turned out, the emergency pills were in fact needed, because the next morning Ben still couldn’t muster the energy to get up from his bed to go to school. He wished he could spend the day holed up playing LoL, but he couldn’t skip any more classes without a good explanation. Telling Leia he had a sore throat or a stomach ache wouldn’t work, as she’d see through Ben’s lies immediately just like she always had. Besides, today he and Hux were supposed to hand in the final outline of their project, and while Ben’s input in the written portion had been minimal—it was Hux’s job—he still wanted to make sure Hux didn’t need any last-minute help with it.

So he swallowed the pills along with his morning coffee and waited for the feeling of “I can’t do this, I want to vanish, I can’t do this, I want to die” to slowly dissolve into a dull “I don’t really care.”

When later, during lunchtime, he managed to drag his ass to the cafeteria, Hux wasn’t there. And that? That was just weird. Hux never missed his usual yogurt cup and one apple.

“Where’s Hux?” Ben asked Mitaka, who nearly jumped out of his skin when Ben leaned over the table he was sitting at.

“Um. Sick? I think?”

Ben hesitated. He could call or text Hux and ask for himself, but it seemed that he and Hux had some unspoken rule of not contacting each other outside of their scheduled project-related meetings. And although Hux had left his phone number, they had never called each other before. Ben wasn’t sure his call would be welcomed anyway, not after yesterday’s hysterics. He had definitely overshared. And that embarrassing remark about Hux being pretty… When Ben thought about it he felt bile rise up in his throat. How could he be so stupid? God, Ben thought, he was a huge fuck-up and the world would really be better if he weren’t in it.

His thumb hovered over Hux’s name in his phone, and finally he sent a text: _U ok?_

No answer. By the end of the day Ben was freaking out. Was Hux avoiding Ben after all the weird behavior the other day? He had seemed so understanding, caring even, but maybe Ben had read it all wrong? The other possibility—that Hux was indeed sick—wasn’t any less scary, because without Hux here Ben didn’t know what to do about the outline they were supposed to turn in to Mrs. Kanata. Ben knew the world would not end if they didn’t submit it on time, he was sure he could get an extension, but he could already taste the bitterness of Luke’s disappointment. He could just imagine Luke accusing him of being a bad influence on Hux, the school’s most uptight student.

Before he could go mad with anxiety, Ben gathered his things and went straight to Hux’s, glad that he knew more or less where Hux lived. He only had to knock on the imposing front door once.

It was Hux who opened the door and he looked… gray. Ashen was the first word that came to mind. He was wearing a dull oversized sweater with long sleeves that were pulled over his hands. His normally vibrant hair was a stringy mess, his bangs kept falling into his eyes, and his eyes…

“Fuck. What happened?” Ben asked, because there was a huge bruise and swelling over Hux’s left eye.

For a moment Ben thought Hux was going to slam the door on him, but he collected himself pretty quickly.

“Nothing. Training accident.”

“Training?” Ben guessed training for that West Point camp could be intense, but something about Hux’s tone of voice didn’t sound right.

“What do you want?” Hux asked. He glanced back into the house as if there was something crawling in the dark there, then stepped out and pulled the door behind him almost shut, blocking the view inside completely.

“Nothing. Just wanted to check on you. Return the favor from yesterday.”

“If you are worried about the outline, it’s all taken care of. I submitted it this morning,” Hux said in that icy voice of his.

Was this really the same person who’d held Ben’s hand so tenderly just yesterday? Ben felt the anger rising up in his chest again. He’d wanted to do something nice, to maybe thank Hux for taking care of him. He’d just wanted… He could feel his cheeks heating up already, but something in Hux expression was still off, and it made Ben reconsider lashing out. “Are you all right?” he asked instead.

“Of course,” Hux said. There was some commotion in the house, followed by a slamming sound. “I have to go.”

“Are you sure everything’s fine?” Ben asked, but Hux was already closing the door behind him.

 

 #

It was late at night and Ben was just closing his computer after the final match of the day, but he still didn’t feel relaxed; he remained unnerved by the eerie encounter with Hux. He opened Gchat.

Kylo Ren: _Hey, I’ve got a question._

Snoke: _?_

Kylo Ren: _if you saw a person with a huge bruise over their eye and they said they got it working out, what would you think?_

Snoke: _depends on the person I guess?_ _who do you mean?_

Kylo Ren: _Hux. I know he’s been trying to get into shape, like running and such. But. You don’t just hit your eye lifting weights._

Kylo Ren _: It’s just. He wasn’t at school and when I went over to his place to check on him he acted all weird and had that bruise. Idk what to think about it._

Snoke: _Maybe someone was just as fed up with the bastard as you are and gave him a beating he deserves?_

Ben didn’t want to inflame Snoke’s jealousy again, but he really needed some answers.

Kylo Ren: _yes, but what if it wasn’t a pissed off moron at school? What if his fucker of a father hits him? Like Hux’s some, idk, victim of domestic violence or smth?_

The three dots appeared on his screen for a long time then; Snoke was either writing something long or maybe writing and then deleting.

Snoke: _I think that Hux is adult enough to deal with any problems at home by himself. You’d hate if someone interfered with your family problems, wouldn’t you?_

Kylo Ren: _yeah. But._

Snoke: _Trust me. Just leave it alone._

Kylo Ren: _ok_

Still, when Ben logged out of the chat, the unsettling feeling wouldn’t leave him. He felt as if he’d failed Hux in some way, as if he hadn’t been paying attention enough, too concerned about his own problems to see much farther than the tip of his own nose. Annoyingly, his own mood was way better now that he had someone else to worry about.


	5. Chapter 5

#SUNDAY

Hux was absent from school till the end of the week and, despite being upset about Hux’s rejection, Ben was too worried about the ginger asshole to focus on his classes. He still felt like he should have done something, pushed more, to find out what had actually happened and help out Hux the way Hux had helped him.

He spent a good chunk of Saturday catching up on homework, eating some delicious dumplings that Arthu had made for him, and then playing LoL. He wanted to dedicate Sunday to fiddling with the engine and putting things together, following (mostly) Hux’s design. It had been a good, productive morning and afternoon so far, and Ben was eager for Monday’s meeting with Hux to share his progress and the two small new ideas he had.

He was about to head back to the garage when his phone chimed.

_Hey. It’s Hux. Are you free later today? I was thinking we could do some work and be ahead tomorrow?_

Ben’s heart jumped for no reason. He scrambled to type back, _Sure. Come over. I’m home._

As an afterthought he added, _Mom’s still away anyway._

Hux still had a pretty visible shiner under his eye, although the purple was giving way to yellowish and green tones, but he was his usual collected and snarky self, dressed immaculately and scowling at the leftover pizza from Friday that was drying sadly in a cardboard box on Ben’s bedroom floor.

While Ben was relieved to find Hux more or less intact, he’d worked up enough anger over the last few days that he wasn’t going to let the subject go.

“Why weren’t you at school this week? Was it because of this?” He pointed at Hux’s eye.

Hux looked the other way, and that was enough of an answer for Ben. It made him boil within. “I could fucking kill that bastard. I’m stronger than him. And I don’t give a shit if he carries a fucking gun.” He gesticulated wildly and only stopped when Hux spoke.

“What? Who?”

“Your fucking father. You can’t think I believe this happened in a ‘training accident’?” Ben made air quotes for emphasis.

“I told you it’s none of your business,” Hux said, standing up. His cheeks were red.

Ben felt like pulling his hair out. Why was Hux so fucking stubborn? “You don’t expect me to just—“

“It wasn’t my dad, okay?”

And of course he’d defend the bastard. “Sure,” Ben said, putting as much sarcasm as he could into the word.  

“Fuck, what do you want me to say?” Hux whirled around in agitation. “Why do you even care?” He stomped out of Ben’s room, but Ben didn’t hear the front door shutting.

He found Hux on the back porch, cigarette in his hand.

He puffed slowly while silence dragged between them; the baleful barks of the neighbor’s dog were the only sounds surrounding them.

“Hux…” Ben started, lost. Why weren’t there scripts for conversations like this?

“It wasn’t my dad.” Hux said, not looking at Ben. “Brendol is… he’s all sort of things but he’d never hit me.”

He fell silent again, but for once Ben didn’t interrupt. If Hux wanted to share he’d probably do it.

“It’s… My mother gets, ah, upset sometimes. She’s got Alzheimer’s.” At Ben’s raised eyebrows Hux shook his head. “No, I know what you’re thinking. She’s fifty-two. It’s early-onset, genetic. And she’s getting worse. Last week was… bad.”

Hux took another drag of his cigarette and exhaled the smoke slowly, then closed his eyes, maybe because the smoke irritated them or maybe because the sunlight passing through the vine leaves hurt his shiner. In the light the bruising still looked painful, and Ben’s fingers itched to touch the discolored flesh there, to somehow ease Hux’s discomfort. “Anyway, it’s been handled. Brendol arranged a place in a residential facility ages ago, and he decided it was time to send her there.” He motioned to his eye. “It was my fault; I shouldn’t have antagonized her. But my father took her there this morning. The move is… permanent.”

“Oh,” Ben said. He felt like a massive dick for jumping to conclusions and making Hux even more miserable. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay. It’s better like this.” Hux tipped his head back, eyes still closed. “We couldn’t take care of her anymore. She deteriorated pretty quickly. She already thought I stole her food. And lied to her. And avoided her. Her episodes of rage were… rough. It won’t be long before she doesn’t recognize us. She’ll have trouble eating. Breathing. When she hit me, Brendol had to restrain her. I don’t want to see that ever again. I want to... I want to remember her the way she was _before_.”

Hux fell silent. The cigarette had continued to burn on its own, forgotten, and now the long ash fell to the floor. Finally, as if on a whim, Hux opened his eyes and stubbed the cigarette out on the porch railing. “Let’s skip the engine today, shall we? Would you like to have a smoke with me?”

“You’ve just finished.”

Hux smirked. “Not cigarettes.”

“Oh.” _Oh._ The thought of doing something potentially harmful and illegal, something he definitely shouldn’t be doing, was… exhilarating. Ben’s stomach plummeted with anxiety, but he was too curious and excited to say no. “All right?”

“Let’s head back inside. It might be quiet here, but there’s no reason to try to get caught with weed.”

Ben nodded. Leia would probably kill him. Literally. Ben could imagine the headlines: “ORGANA’S SON CAUGHT DOING DRUGS!”

They went back inside and up the stairs to Ben’s room where, hopefully, the smell of pot wouldn’t linger long enough for Leia to find out about it when she returned on Tuesday.

“What are you doing?” Ben asked when Hux unplugged his laptop from the speakers and connected his iPhone instead.

“Unless you want to get anxious and depressed when we’re stoned, we can’t listen to the shit you normally have on.”

“What?” Ben scowled. “I like my music. I listen to it all the time.”

“That’s my point.” The smirk on Hux’s face deepened and his green eyes flashed with mirth. Sounds of a deep beat filled the room.

“What the fuck is _that_?” Ben frowned.

“Lupe Fiasco.” Hux came back to Ben’s desk, opened his messenger bag, and took out a silver tin case, similar to the one Hux usually kept his drawing supplies in. “He has a nice flow.”

“I’d have thought you were a classical music fan.” The idea of Hux listening to hip-hop, or whatever this was, was fucking with his mind just a little.

Hux smiled. “Let’s say my tastes are… eclectic.” The smile looked good on him, made him appear more relaxed and approachable. He opened the case, revealing a glass tube, a small Ziploc bag with weed, a silver Zippo lighter, and a tiny bottle of eye drops. “That’s to make my eyes look less red after—they shrink the blood vessels,” Hux said when he saw Ben looking at the drops.

Ben nodded. To him it looked like a junkie kit but he didn’t voice it. In a way it both contradicted and fitted Ben’s image of Armitage Hux—the proper schoolboy who’d never go near any illegal substances, and the one who would have a neatly prepared kit for getting high efficiently.

Hux took the glass tube and stuck it into the Ziploc bag, stuffing a small ball of weed inside, then sat on the floor next to Ben and held it to Ben for inspection. “You want to go first?”

“Sure.” Ben reached for the tube and put it in his mouth. Hux lit the lighter and held it closer for Ben, heating up the tip of the tube where the weed stuck out a bit.

“Sorry for the tube; my pipe broke and I didn’t have time to roll joints today. Try not to inhale too fast or you’ll get the sparks. Inhale. Hold it. Hold some more. Okay, release.”

Ben choked a bit.

“Oh, and try not to cough or you won’t be able to stop and you’ll feel sick.”

It was easier said than done, though. Ben’s lungs were on fire and there was a sickening pressure squeezing them. He coughed and then coughed some more until his vision went all spotty and his stomach started to feel queasy. The weed left a weird, bitter aftertaste in his mouth, and he was simultaneously nauseated and lightheaded. He coughed again until tears were spilling from his eyes and streaming down his cheeks.

Hux didn’t look concerned or disgusted with Ben. He took the pipe for a drag himself, then leaned his head back on Ben’s bed, exposing his long, elegant throat, almost marble white against the dark duvet and dusted with almost invisible golden freckles. Hux’s eyelashes were golden too, not white and translucent as Ben had thought before, and exquisitely long. His heavy eyelids were just as pale, crossed with feather-thin blue veins like tiny rivulets drawn on a map. The bruise on Hux’s face looked so out of place, juxtaposed with the perfect skin tone.

Ben shook himself when he realized he’d been staring at Hux. He took the pipe from Hux’s hand and inhaled again. This time it didn’t make him cough. He kept the smoke inside his lungs and then released it, not minding the aftertaste of burned tires as much anymore.

He leaned to give the glass pipe back to Hux, watching, for maybe too long of a moment, how their fingers brushed together in the process. They took turns then, until Hux shook his head and said, “I’m good.” He licked his lips and Ben’s focus shifted. Hux’s lips were light pink, full, and very soft looking. Beautiful. Ben wanted to reach out and trace that perfect shape with his fingertip, press on the plush bottom lip. Could he?

It was hot in Ben’s room. Hating the hum and suffocating chill of the air-conditioning, Ben had turned it off, but he was regretting that now. A single fly buzzed in the heat, flying in irregular loops in the confines of the small room. It landed on a plastic moon hanging from the ceiling—a remnant of Ben’s interest in astronomy when he was younger. The fly sometimes hit the walls or the moon with an annoying noise that matched the music in its chaotic swirl, picking up and slowing, the rhythm somewhat infuriating.

“So.” Ben licked his lips. His mouth was dry like after a long car drive or a flight. “So,” he started again, wondering if he’d already finished that sentence in another universe and was now repeating himself, making a fool of himself. “Do you smoke often?”

Hux hummed. “Sometimes. It’s good for unwinding. Or when I’m angry. It calms me down nicely.”

“I thought you took those white pills from before.”

“Oh, no. These were for my mother. I carried them around just in case. For myself, I prefer more natural ways. I smoke. Or drink. Father’s brandy mostly, but whatever’s available will do. Or I go for a run. Or do yoga.”

“Yoga?” Ben laughed at a sudden vision of Hux in pink stretch pants. “Are you for real?”

“Yeah. It’s difficult and totally clears my mind. I usually do Ashtanga—it’s fast and challenging and makes you feel connected to your body like nothing else.”

Ben shook his head. “I tried yoga once. Luke’s into all that New Age crazy shit and made me go and do something with meditation. It was a disaster. Fucking stupidest thing I’ve ever done. How can you say it’s _relaxing_? I wanted to slay someone after the first ten minutes!”

“Well, maybe you should try some sword fighting instead.” Hux giggled. He honest-to-God giggled. “I mean, imagine you dressed in one of those Samurai outfits. It should be all black. And a sword in your hands. You could trash the whole place!”

That made Ben laugh too. “My sword would be red.”

“Yes. Yes.” Hux nodded vigorously. “Bathed in the blood of your enemies. Or—no! It should be woven from light itself!”

Ben lost track of what they were talking about. Everything had a nice blurry edge to it and his body was relaxed super light. It felt good. The song ended and started again, on a loop. “Do you want dumplings?” he asked, after the song had played over and over again.

“Dumplings?” Hux voice was sleepy. At some point he’d slumped down completely and was now lying half on the floor and half on Ben’s arm.

“I have some leftover dumplings. With blueberries. Blueberry dumplings.”

“That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.” Hux started to laugh again but scrambled off the floor and followed Ben to the kitchen where they reheated the food and ate it straight from the Tupperware, helping each other spray whipped cream from a can straight into their mouths. There was a moment when Ben kind of leaned into Hux and everything went warm and sweetly fuzzy and he was about to ask Hux if he could really trace the shape of his mouth with his fingers, but then Hux’s phone alarm beeped and he sighed. “I need to go.”

He disentangled himself from where he was trapped between Ben’s body and a kitchen shelf and went back upstairs to collect his things, with Ben trailing behind.

“Do you really have to go already?” Ben asked, and Hux shrugged.

“Brendol was drinking when I left and he’s probably out cold now, but I don’t want to push my luck. And I shouldn’t leave him alone tonight, anyway.”

“Why not? He’s a total bastard, isn’t he?”

“He’s…” Hux looked as if he was warring with himself. “He just wants all this to make sense. I know he’s a jackass. But he wants to bring order to our family and to this disorganized country, and to have more control over things that are now in chaos. It’s about structure and a system of justice working properly instead of just… rushing in headfirst and worrying about consequences later. We are on the road to entropy and someone really needs to step in before we submit to the decline of our society. What my father wants is law and order to prevent that from happening.”

Ben actually didn’t mind the state of slight anarchy and chaos where rules could be bent or even broken, and didn’t agree that there was a pressing need for tighter control or more strict legislation, but as he watched Hux’s slightly pinked cheeks as Hux gathered his things and struggled to put his sweater on, he thought that it didn’t really matter what he thought as long as Hux was here in his room, looking like this.

“I can’t do politics,” he said and frowned. “Especially now. But even when I’m sober. My head hurts—like literally. It’s like listening to my parents argue.”

Hux shook his head. “Not doing politics is not caring about the world you live in.”

Ben found that remark insulting. “I do care. If someone gave me a rifle and told me to defend my country, I would. But I can’t do this—” he waved his hand “—this fucking pointless talking. Snoke says I’m more of a doer, and that I just need someone smart enough to guide me, to help me explore my talents. Like a mentor, you know? He says that I need a firm hand.”

“Who’s Snoke?”

Ben bit his lip, realizing he’d blabbed all that out loud without thinking. He was used to keeping his relationship with Snoke hidden. “Eh, just a guy I play LoL with. We’re kinda friends, I guess?” People who weren’t into gaming didn’t really understand how close the player circles could get.

“All right,” Hux hummed and smirked.

“What?”

“Well, you know, he thinks you need a _firm hand_ , like something out of a Dom/sub fantasy. Sounds kinky. I bet he’d like to be your _mentor_.”

“Ugh.” Ben winced at the thought. 

Hux chuckled at Ben’s expression. He fidgeted with the glass pipe for a moment before starting to pack everything back into the case.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?” Hux said upon leaving. Ben nodded, unhappy to see Hux go. He wanted to smoke more, camp beside his bed, and listen to Hux talk—about politics even—till dawn.

He closed the door behind the redhead.

 

#

Kylo Ren: _so. Im stoned_

Snoke’s reply came almost immediately, as usual.

Snoke: _Really? How do you feel?_

Kylo Ren: _Idk? Tired._

The feeling of lightness from earlier was mostly gone—along with Hux and Hux’s music and Hux’s calm voice. Now, Ben felt heavy and groggy, and maybe a little sad. But mostly so, so tired.

Snoke: Where did you get marijuana from anyway?

Ben snorted. Snoke calling it “marijuana” made him appear as if he was a _thousand_ years old. 

Kylo Ren: _Hux brought some today._

Snoke: _be careful with this shit. Keep in mind who your mother is._

Ben rolled his eyes.

Kylo Ren: _yes yes_

Snoke: _Are you playing tonight?_

Even thinking of the game made the world swirl in front of Ben’s eyes.

Kylo Ren: _I think I need to lie down._

Snoke: _ok then. Be clear-headed tmr so that we can play._

Ben closed his computer and lay down on the bed. It was only 9:00 p.m. but he didn’t feel like doing anything. He opened Tumblr, searched for his favorite porn blog, and scrolled to a short video of a red-haired twink being pounded by a dark-haired, slightly bigger guy. This was the vid he kept going back to most often recently. The angle was just right, and the curly, vividly red pubic hair on the man’s navel looked soft. Ben clicked on the sound icon and listened to the smack of balls slapping against skin and the squelching of lube. But it was the sounds the redhead made that had Ben so fucking hard he could shoot almost without touching himself. The whines, the moans, the way the man was almost mewling like a kitten—it seemed as if he was biting his lips and trying to keep quiet but failing. Ben pushed his underwear down, cupped his balls, and then gave his cock a tug, and another.

“Hux, Hux, Huuux,” he chanted as he came, and for once he didn’t feel foolish at all.

 

#

His dreams that night were full of colors—the gold of freckles spreading on Hux’s skin and the red of Hux’s hair falling down in long waves, down a high tower’s wall as if Hux were Rapunzel. Ben, with a shiny red sword in his hand, climbed up the tower and then into a garden spreading on top of it for miles, despite the tower being way too small to support anything like that. Hux walked out from behind a tree, holding a golden, gleaming apple. “Do you want some?” He extended his hand toward Ben, who took a step back, then another one, until suddenly he was falling off the edge of the tower and down, down, down.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter content warnings in the end notes.

#MONDAY

 

The calm, floating sensation that Ben pursued through the night was gone when he woke up the next morning. Gone was the dull melancholy too. Reality once again pierced Ben with its painful, sharp certainty that he was unfit for this world. It was a real, physical feeling—choking pain in his chest like a grip that was too tight, making his breathing too shallow. His shoulders tensed, his head throbbed, and tears squeezed out of his eyes.

Going down the stairs to the kitchen was a struggle. Opening the fridge to take out yogurt was too much. Pouring cereal was impossible. And despite the effort it took to assemble his breakfast, Ben couldn't make himself eat it. He sat at the table, pushing nuts and raisins and flakes around the bowl, not even trying to chew it. He should go shower, wash his hair just in case there was any residual smell of weed on him. He really should.

The certainty of his inevitable failure made him want to crawl under his bed and stay there. His efforts in making himself presentable for school weren’t good enough, or maybe he’d never even started to put in an effort. He wasn’t strong enough. He wasn’t tidy. He wasn’t prepared. And for sure he hadn’t done any of the things his mom had asked him to do while she was absent.

He reached for his phone and scrolled, in search something that would comfort him and allow him to get through the day. It was a shame that Hux hadn’t left any weed behind; perhaps that would help to ease Ben’s mind. Chasing the feeling from the previous night, he searched on his Spotify for Lupe Fiasco but scowled after a few minutes of listening to the music. Maybe Hux knew something about drugs, but his taste in music was atrocious.

On a day like today there was a chance he’d do something incredibly stupid, like lie on the floor for hours instead of going to school, or smash his fists again, or maybe even slash his wrists open—anything to annihilate himself and erase the feeling of some eternal implosion of his mind that he was experiencing right now.

He needed a distraction.

What else had Hux suggested besides weed? Ben didn’t have any pills and he sure as fuck wasn’t trying yoga, but maybe alcohol would quench the despair that was currently wrecking him. He went to the cabinet in the living room and poured himself half a glass of Han’s Scotch. After taking the first sip, he decided that drinking the pure thing was impossible, so he dug around in the fridge for a Coke, added it to the glass, and took the drink outside to the porch. It was raining, the sort of light-gray tiny droplets that streaked the windows like in fall. The entire porch smelled of mold and decay, not like spring, but somehow this matched Ben’s mood. The whiskey with Coke was cold and yet burned at the same time, and soon Ben felt the ease spreading in his chest, little knots loosening up and unwinding. His feet tingled and his face went a bit numb. This was good. Hux had been right.

He got up, poured more whiskey and Coke into a Starbucks thermal mug, screwed on the cap, and decided to face the day. Perhaps drunk riding a bike to school wasn’t the best idea, but he hardly had another option—it was that or walk in the rain.

He sat through first period Spanish class, hidden in the last row behind everyone, and then he drank more of his cocktail from the mug on his way to history class. By the time his literature class was about to start, he was too dizzy to hold his head up anymore. He sat on the floor in the corridor next to the stairs leading to the second floor and closed his eyes for a moment. The world was swirling.

That was where Hux found him and shook him by the shoulder.

Ben opened his eyes to Hux’s steely gaze, and then he was suddenly being yanked up and hauled to the staircase. Hux pushed him against the wall and slammed his hand near Ben’s face.

“Are you insane?” Hux hissed right in Ben’s face. “They’ll throw you out for this. Your uncle Luke won’t be able to keep it from happening. Let's go.” He ushered Ben through the halls and then out of the school. “You are so lucky it was me going up the stairs. Fucking hell, Ben.” He shook his head. “If you want to drink, do it properly.”

He walked quickly to his car, not checking if Ben was following—and of course Ben was following, tired and resigned and confused as he was.

“Get in,” Hux muttered when he unlocked the door, and Ben folded his long limbs inside Hux’s small silver Toyota.

Ben didn’t mention his bike—he figured he could always get it back later. And he didn’t comment on Hux skipping class to go with Ben to wherever it was they were headed.

Hux was tense, his jaw locked so tight that his teeth were about to crack. By the time they pulled into Ben’s front driveway, Ben felt less sleepy but still a bit dizzy. Hux opened the door for him and escorted him home.

“I can’t believe this shit.” Hux shook his head again while Ben fiddled with his keys. “I can’t fucking say a word to you, can I? How much did you have to drink?”

“Not much. Like—one glass of whiskey? It’s just…” Ben stumbled and leaned on Hux, pushing him through the threshold until they both hit the hallway wall inside. The front door closed behind them with a soft thud.

It was silent and warm in the house, and Hux’s body felt solid and good trapped under Ben’s. Hux’s lips were parted, inviting, and so Ben leaned farther and kissed Hux. Once. Then, when Hux didn’t move, he kissed him again and yet again, until he pushed his tongue in between Hux’s lips and grabbed a handful of Hux’s shirt with his hand. Hux didn’t push him away—instead he melted under Ben’s touch, opening his mouth. Ben shoved his hands under Hux’s shirt, bringing him closer, and sucked on Hux’s tongue.

He nearly doubled over when he felt the pressure of Hux’s palm over his aching dick. “Hux,” he moaned, and thrust into Hux’s hand.

It was then when Hux finally pushed him away. His cheeks were flaming red, his eyes dark and his lips shiny with Ben’s spit. His chest heaved while he kept one palm on Ben’s chest, putting distance between himself and Ben.

“You can’t tell anyone,” he said. “Anyone.”

Ben nodded.

“If you do… I’ll end you. I’ll find a way to ruin you, Ben. You know I will, right? And you’ll be sorry you ever met me.”

“Who’d I tell?” Ben asked, smiling a little. He rubbed a circle on Hux’s neck. The skin there was so soft.

Hux’s eyes flashed with anger. “I’m fucking serious.”

Ben held up his hands. He really didn’t care, he was done for in this school anyway, people hated him, but he desperately wanted Hux’s hand back on his dick. So he murmured, “Okay, okay, Hux. I won’t tell. I wouldn’t… You know that I won’t.” And he leaned in to kiss Hux again, pushing his tongue back into Hux’s warm mouth. He swiped the tip of his tongue over Hux’s teeth. They were so wonderfully smooth with sharp edges, and somehow that touch caused Ben to lose his mind a little. He gripped Hux’s ass, pulling him closer, and Hux made a little choking sound that went straight to Ben’s cock, making it jerk in his pants.

Ben wasn’t sure what he was doing. He just knew he had to get _closer_ to Hux. He half-pushed, half-carried Hux to the living room and laid him down on the couch. Ben climbed on top of him, still clutching Hux’s ass firmly, so when he simultaneously pressed his hips down and pulled Hux up it created an absolutely mind-blowing sensation. He kissed Hux again and again, messily, panting into Hux’s mouth. And Hux was straining, meeting him halfway, just as bold, but at the same time delightfully pliant, molding like clay underneath Ben’s hands, reacting to Ben’s every move, giving in. Ben could feel Hux’s hard cock rubbing against his own, and it was a crazy feeling—knowing that Hux was hard for _him_. To learn that someone could desire Ben in this way, find him attractive enough to want to be close to him—it was incredible. That Hux wanted him in spite of Ben’s crazy dark mind and awkward body… Ben didn’t have words for this feeling. This was not only the most accepted he’d ever felt, it was so much more, transcending any wish he could have ever expressed.

Perhaps they should go upstairs to Ben’s room, maybe get undressed, but Ben didn’t want to interrupt what was happening between them here on the couch. And what if Hux didn’t like his bony elbows, or his not-so-defined muscles, or his moles? Ben had always thought that his skin resembled a huge burnt crêpe rather than a human body…

However, all thoughts were swept from Ben’s mind when Hux shoved his hand down Ben’s pants and wrapped his fingers tight around Ben’s shaft. And… God. And then it was over, because Ben jerked in Hux’s grip and came hard, with a gasp that turned into a whine, an embarrassing sound that he couldn’t contain because everything felt so amazingly, gloriously, white-hot good. He squeezed his eyes shut.

_Fuck_. Perfect. He’d shot his load the moment someone touched his dick. He scrambled up, feeling his cheeks burn. He needed to get to the bathroom before he made an even bigger mess of himself.

“Ben?” Hux asked when Ben managed to crawl off the couch.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ll just. Go clean up. Sorry,” Ben said, avoiding looking at Hux and trying to save as much dignity as he could.

“Okay,” Hux said. “Can you get me some toilet paper or something, so I can clean up a bit too?”

Oh, hell. Of course. Ben must have soiled Hux’s hand too when he came. He retreated to the downstairs bathroom and used a wet washcloth to dab at the drying come on his belly. His underwear was sticky, so he stepped out of his black jeans, folded the underwear up, dumped it in the hamper, then put his jeans back on. He grabbed a whole roll of toilet paper to take back to the living room.

Hux was still there on the couch; he hadn’t even changed position. He looked so beautiful and _hot_ that Ben wanted to cry. How could he ruin this? Sex was so much more difficult than porn made it seem.

Maybe he could offer Hux a blow job? But what if he wasn’t any good at it?

He handed the roll to Hux, who pushed his slacks down and started wiping himself. Ben’s eyes widened. “Did you…?”

Hux shrugged, averting his gaze. “It’s… You came and made that sound, you know?” He winced. “You shouldn’t have grabbed my ass if you wanted me to last longer.” He stood up from the couch and tucked himself into his pants in fast, angry movements. “Let’s go to your room?”

He started toward the stairs and Ben followed obediently, stunned and confused. Up in Ben’s room Hux sat on the bed and waited until Ben settled next to him. This close, Hux’s every freckle was visible—so golden and cute in comparison to Ben’s dark moles. Hux’s eyelashes were long and silky, and Ben wanted to touch them.

“How fast can you get hard again?” Hux asked.

Ben’s cock jerked at the thought of getting hard next to Hux again. “Pretty quick. Why?”

“Good.” Hux rolled on his stomach, scooted down the bed, and then tugged on Ben’s jeans. Reflexively Ben gripped them.

“I liked what I could feel in my hand.” Hux yanked at the fabric again. “Don’t you want more?”

At least Ben’s cock wasn’t a part of his body that he was ashamed of. It was big, like his hands and ears, but for once that wasn’t a bad thing. Ben knew that he was way above average size because he’d measured himself. His cock was thick and straight, with a faint circumcision scar under the head and a slightly protruding vein underneath the shaft.

Ben let go of his jeans, and Hux paused long enough to make Ben self-conscious again.

“What?” Ben asked, but a second later he moaned because Hux leaned down fast, gripped Ben’s cock, and wrapped his lips around its head.

“Fuck,” Ben said. “Oh, my… fuck.”

Nothing in his life could have prepared him for the feeling of Hux’s mouth—so hot, _so hot and smooth and wet_ around him. He was achingly hard again. Hux was doing something to his dick that was… incredible, really.

“I’m not…” he choked out, almost arching up off the bed as Hux’s lips slid up and down his cock. “I’m not going to last. Fuck.” He squirmed on the bed, trying to get free so he wouldn’t spill into Hux’s mouth, but Hux “mmmmed” in protest and took Ben deeper instead.

Ben’s fingers tightened reflexively in Hux’s hair, but he’d have to relish the softness of the red strands later because Hux moaned around him and looked up, and… Fuck. The way he looked, with his eyes so dark now, and with spit-slicked pink lips stretched over Ben’s cock—Ben wasn’t sure what to do with the sight. Hux moved his head as if he wanted his hair to be pulled at even harder, and that was way too much for Ben. When he came again, he was sure that along with his seed he must have lost the last bits of his sanity. His brain must have dissolved. Perhaps Hux had sucked it out, too.

He was breathing hard and there was buzzing in his ears, like in a simulation after an explosion in a computer game. He covered his face with the hand that wasn’t currently buried in Hux’s hair.

“Oh, my God,” he said, still sounding out of breath. “That was… Give me a moment and I’ll… I’ll reciprocate. Just. I won’t be as good as you.”

“You don’t have to,” Hux said, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. He smiled, looking wrecked and somewhat sweet. “You taste good. I always thought that it’d be disgusting. But I like it. Want to have a taste?”

And before Ben could answer, Hux moved up to kiss Ben, deeply. He tasted bitter and salty and it was quite gross actually, but also kind of hot—the thought that it was Ben’s come there on Hux’s tongue.

“I want to,” Ben said.

“What?”

“I want to blow you, too.” Ben found that he really meant it. He was curious, yes. He was curious to see Hux come undone the way Ben had a few moments ago. But mostly he just craved doing this for Hux. All thoughts of not being good enough, of not meeting Hux’s expectations, were still there, warring with his desire, and he was shaking slightly, anxious and still expecting rejection. After all, Hux seemed like he knew what he was doing; he probably had all the experience in the world and was just keeping it quiet, like the way he wanted this to be a secret.

But Hux said, “Okay,” and licked his lips, looking at Ben with something that Ben could only read as _want_.

Ben extracted himself from under Hux and sat up. Hux lay on his back, propped himself up on his elbows, and watched while Ben pushed his slacks all the way down, along with his boxer briefs. Hux smelled of come, and it made Ben slightly lightheaded. His cock was long and slim—just as graceful and beautiful as Hux’s whole body—nestled in a red, soft patch of hair. Ben’s disproportionately huge hand looked odd wrapped around that elegant cock, as if an orc were making out with an elf. He gave the shaft a tentative stroke and watched in awe as the foreskin slid up and down along with the movement. He looked at Hux, who licked his lips, waiting. Ben lowered his head to take Hux into his mouth. He tasted similar to the way his kiss had tasted before, but combined with Hux’s unique smell and flavor it was a heady composition.

Ben swirled his tongue experimentally around the silky smooth head of Hux’s cock. It was smoother than anything else he’d ever had in his mouth. Lovely. When he started to bob his head up and down, enjoying the weight of Hux’s cock on his tongue, Hux sighed and said, “Christ. Ben. Your lips. You look so fucking good sucking my dick. You have no idea. You’re so good at this.”

Ben felt a mix of pride and arousal and something else entirely, something more private and more important, waking up in his chest at the sound of this praise.

“Can I come in your mouth?” Hux asked. He was watching Ben again, with an intensity so profound it made Ben’s stomach clench. Hux’s face was flushed, the blush spreading down his neck, visible in the V-neck of his T-shirt.

Ben wondered if Hux’s freckles were sprinkled along his whole body just like they were on his thighs and forearms. He wanted to kiss each and every one of them. He didn’t answer Hux. He just licked and sucked harder, careful not to take Hux deeper than he was capable of. When Hux’s cock started throbbing in his mouth and warm, salty liquid flooded Ben’s tongue, he had to fight the urge to recoil and spit it all out, and at the same time not hump the mattress, because feeling Hux come was so hot he was hard yet again.

Hux collapsed on the bed, spent and relaxed, and Ben watched him for a moment, unsure how to proceed from there. What did people do after they’d come down each other’s throats?

“Do you want a soda?” he asked. He certainly wanted a drink. Spunk was fine and all, but it left a nasty, sticky, bitter aftertaste that he wanted to get rid of. Before Hux could answer, Ben got up, pulled on a fresh pair of underwear so he wouldn’t have to parade his bare ass through the house, and padded to the kitchen to grab two cans of Dr. Pepper. When he came back to his bedroom Hux was already collected, dressed, and combing his hair with his fingers to put it in order. Ben thought that he liked it much better when it’d been in disarray. He also preferred the open and blissed-out expression Hux had worn on his face earlier to his usual clipped look.

“Thanks,” Hux said, taking the can from Ben’s hand. His fingers brushed over Ben’s and it made Ben realize that he wouldn’t be opposed to… cuddling? Touching more instead of sitting down to work or talk? He wasn’t sure. He caught Hux’s hand, wrapping his fingers around Hux’s on the can. For one second something flickered through Hux’s face but he schooled his expression quickly and pulled back, making Ben want to apologize even though he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I have to go,” Hux said, abruptly.

Ben wanted to protest. He had so many questions for Hux, although he would probably never have the guts to ask them—like how many times had Hux done this before? And would he be willing to do it again with Ben?

“What about the engine?” Ben said stupidly instead.

“We’ll work on it later. You should sober up. Besides, I need to get home early today.”

Hux had mentioned no such thing before, and since they’d skipped school it couldn’t be later than one o’clock, but he didn’t want to challenge this. He felt hurt, because it was obvious that now that the blow jobs were over, Hux didn’t want to be close to him anymore.

Maybe Hux noticed Ben’s expression because he added, “I’m… I’m sorry. I really have to go. And catch up on today’s classes too.” He was already typing something on his iPhone, maybe mailing his classmates, asking for notes. “But I might drop by tomorrow to make up for today, if you’d like?”

“Sure,” Ben said, even though Leia would be back by tomorrow so they wouldn’t be able to have a repeat performance of today. And Ben craved _more_.

 

#

When Hux was gone Ben went to shower. He didn’t mind Hux’s smell lingering on his skin but, combined with Ben’s own dried come, it made him feel gross. He stood under the spray of hot water, feeling as if all his morning anxiety was washed down the drain along with the soap suds. He was energized and not dizzy anymore. He wrung out his hair, brushed his teeth, put on some clean clothes, and then he tidied his room, ran the washing machine, and straightened up in the living room. It looked good to him, but he had a nagging feeling he’d missed something vital. As he went around the house checking for telltale signs of the mess that would aggravate Leia when she came home, he kept thinking about why Hux looked so freaked out despite being so confident and cool during their mutual blow jobs. It seemed as if Hux knew what he was doing, as if he’d done at least some of it before. But the threats, the secrecy, and the sudden retreat made Ben realize how strongly Hux was opposed to disclosing his sexual orientation to the world.

There were many things that made Ben angry, or unhappy, but being gay wasn’t among them. He’d figured it out pretty early on—he must have been fourteen then. There was a GIF on Tumblr that he found by accident just scrolling through things, with two men fucking. He’d wanked so hard to that GIF—the first time he’d beaten off to an actual sexual image. Since then he’d checked so many sites and types of porn that he had a pretty good idea that girls didn’t do it for him the way men did. He never even had to tell his parents about it—Leia must have known even earlier than he did. But with Uncle Luke being gay, she probably knew what to look for.

The point was, no one in his family would care either way, and the assholes at school could think whatever they wanted. It wasn’t as if Ben was popular anyway. But for Hux—for Hux the idea of being outed must be horrifying. Not only because of Hux’s conservative family, but also because of his military plans, not to mention being ostracized at their school. People might say their school was multicultural, open-minded and progressive, but the reality was that Hux would be on the receiving end of crude remarks, semi-hidden teasing, or at least some nasty looks, at best.

The sound of keys rattling in the lock startled Ben out of his musings.

“Ben?” He heard Leia shout. “Hey! Ben! I’m home!”

The shock was so immense that for a moment Ben stood frozen. Then he looked around frantically to see if anything incriminating remained, and then he ran to the hall to greet Leia. He took her suitcase inside for her, his heart hammering wild. He wasn’t sure he was sober enough yet.

“Hi, honey. A meeting tomorrow got canceled, so I decided that staying wasn’t worth it and I caught an earlier flight.” She sounded tired but she hugged him as tight as usual. Ben held his breath in, just in case the smell of alcohol or sex lingered on him. He knew that his hug wasn’t as authentic as it should be, but he hoped she wouldn’t notice anything amiss. He knew he’d failed to fool her the moment she stiffened in his arms. She pushed him away to peer into his face and her eyes had that stern look Ben had always feared, like she was checking if he’d eaten well, or slept through the night, or gone to school and done his homework.

He averted his eyes.

“Benjamin Organa-Solo, what are you hiding from me?”

The images of Hux coming inside Ben’s mouth were a bit too much, but there was no point in saying he wasn’t hiding anything, so he went with the least embarrassing explanation. “I had some of Dad’s whiskey earlier today.”

“Why?” She didn’t yell, which was… maybe a good thing?

He shrugged, hoping she’d drop the subject, but she still stood there in the middle of the hall, watching him with hawk eyes.

Ben moved toward the kitchen to get away from the scrutiny. “I don’t know,” he said, pouring himself a glass of water from the tap. “I guess I was curious. Hux said—“

“Hux. Of course.” Leia huffed, following him into the kitchen and washing her hands in the kitchen sink.

Ben turned around. “No. No, it’s not like that. His mom is sick and—“

“Oh no, has she gotten worse?” Leia asked.

“Yes. Did you know?”

“It’s not exactly a secret, as much as Brendol Hux would love to keep it that way. I’m so sorry for Armitage. But, Ben, drinking isn’t the way to deal with things, especially when you’re so young and _especially_ on a school day. It won’t fix anything, not even when you drink with company.”

Ben didn’t correct her that he wasn’t drinking _with_ Hux. He hummed. “I know. I’m sorry. Won’t do it again.”

“You better not! Promise me that I don’t have to throw out all the alcohol in our house?”

“Yes, Mom, I promise. It really was just this once!”

Leia rubbed at her temples. “I’m sorry I left you alone for so long. I should’ve been here for you.”

_Oh, here we go again_ , Ben thought. He’d failed the adult test as usual and would not be trusted anymore. “It’s all right. As you can see, the house is still standing.”

She sighed.

“Honestly, Mom. And don’t worry, I won’t go near any liquor again. I feel like shit now.” That was true. His head hurt and he was tired and queasy.

“Serves you right.” Leia smiled and kissed Ben on the cheek. “I’m starving. Is there any food in the house or do we need to order in?”

“Order in,” Ben said. “Arthu made some mean dumplings but I ate all of them with Hux yesterday.”

“So, he was here yesterday too? I thought you didn’t like each other?”

“Uh, yes. He’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad, huh?” Leia smiled, and Ben knew he’d outed himself right there. He felt a blush creeping up his cheeks and had to close his eyes so she wouldn’t read in them exactly what he’d been doing with Hux earlier that day.

“It’s good you made a friend, Ben,” she said, sounding serious and not at all teasing. “I wish it were someone other than Brendol Hux’s son, but if you like him he can’t be very much like his father.”

Not knowing Brendol personally, Ben could only guess but he’d heard enough to have an opinion. “No, he’s not.” He changed the topic to something less personal. “So, what do we eat, then? Ramen? UberEATS delivers it from the place you like.” He could kill for something warm and sour and filling. Perhaps it was the hangover creeping in.

“Great,” Leia said. “Can you order while I take a shower? I stink.”

Ben nodded. She looked so exhausted. He couldn’t fathom how someone as energetic and driven as his mother could subject herself to weeks of mundane negotiations and subtle conflict management. It must be soul-sucking. What would he do if she fell sick like Hux’s mother? If she _forgot_ about him? Then Ben wouldn’t have anyone in his life, with Han never caring enough to be close, and Luke being forever disappointed with him.

Later, they ate their soups in agreeable silence in the living room while watching a rerun of Friends season 3 and laughing at Joey’s inability to find the correct floor or apartment in his search for the “hot girl.”

It was only when Ben was preparing for bed, feeling sated and drowsy after the food and calm night with his mom, that he realized he hadn’t touched his phone or computer for the whole day. Between yesterday’s inability to play and today’s absence, he must have aggravated Snoke beyond words. Afraid to see the accusations, he put his phone screen down on the bedside table and read an issue of “Fables” comic book instead, getting distracted with flashbacks of Hux and Hux’s soft lips wrapped around his cock. For a moment he toyed with the idea of sending Hux a text, to let him know that he was thinking about him, but he couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound creepy, so he gave up.

He took a breath before setting his alarm for the morning, ignoring the banners on the phone and the +1 red notification on the Gchat app icon. He closed his eyes and thought of Hux instead.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sex after drinking alcohol.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry for the wait. This was the only chapter that hadn't been mostly written prior to me starting with the posting of the whole story, and it somehow got out of hand and turned into 2 chapters.   
> So one more fluffy one coming up right after this one. I promise I won't abandon this story and that I still intend to finish it before TLJ hits the screens.

#TUESDAY

When Hux showed up the next day at his usual time, Leia, who for once was home before sundown, was rattling around the kitchen, putting together a meal. Ben answered the door and was about to sneak out to the garage with Hux when Leia glanced up and waved.

“Oh, hello!” she said, stepping into the hall and wiping her hands on a dish towel. “You must be Armitage, right?”

Hux winced. Ben suspected he didn’t care much for his name. It was a peculiar one, Ben had to admit; it encouraged its fair share of jokes.

“Yes. Hux.” He shook her hand.

“Ben told me quite a bit about the science project you’re doing together. It sounds really remarkable!” She smiled generously, a real smile, not her practiced politician one. “Will you stay for dinner? I’m making…” She glanced behind herself as if the kitchen could provide her with an answer. “Well, it was supposed to be a lasagna, but I guess it’ll be more of a… pasta pie?”

Ben felt a wave of secondhand embarrassment. Moms were supposed to know how to cook, but in Ben’s house it was always Han who cooked when he was home.

Hux stood like a statue, with an odd expression on his face that Ben couldn’t decipher. Then he took a breath and stepped into the kitchen, walking up to the counter to look at the dishes. “May I help?” he asked, looking up half with determination and half with something like hope and shyness all at once, and Ben thought that _this was it_. This was the end of the fucking world because in no universe could a situation where Hux was _cooking_ in Ben’s kitchen with _Ben’s mother_ be possible.

“Really?” Leia asked. She looked just as surprised as Ben felt.

“If you’d let me?” There was some resolve in Hux’s voice now. He had a way of communicating that didn’t invite objection, and while Ben used to hate it before, he’d grown to see it as something innately Hux-ish and almost soothing.

Hux washed his hands and got to work, sometimes asking Leia where things were and frowning when she didn’t give the right answer right away. For a while Ben watched Hux and Leia prepare food, transfixed, as usual, by the subtle elegance of Hux’s hands with those long, delicate fingers and ballet-like gestures. But then he decided he’d just look stupid if he lingered in the hall, and he sat at the kitchen table and picked up his phone. He needed to answer Snoke’s messages from the day before.

He’d read them all, several times over. There weren’t as many as he’d expected, but somehow it made the situation harder. He’d agonized over possible explanations all day in school. Now he hovered over the keys, biting his lip and deliberating how to proceed. Finally, he settled on the not-too-apologetic approach. Maybe if he pretended that nothing had happened, Snoke would play it cool, too.

Kylo Ren: _Hi. I was offline all day yesterday, so sorry man. Leia came early, we had a “bonding night.” Will you be playing tonight?_

Snoke didn’t reply right away, and Ben’s heart sank a bit. What if he’d aggravated Snoke beyond forgiveness and wouldn’t be welcome to talk to him anymore or play together? Would Ben be tossed out of the community if Snoke said something bad about him?

Behind the counter Leia laughed at something Hux said, and Hux answered with, “Well, surely my father was _not_ amused.” Hux then shook his head and put the veggies he’d been chopping into a salad bowl. 

Ben turned his attention from this somewhat abstract scene of Hux and his mom _laughing_ together, back to the phone, where the gchat box was still silent. He considered caving in and begging for forgiveness, when the little dots finally started to jump. They stopped after awhile, disappeared, and then reappeared again. Ben gripped the phone harder.

“Ben?” he heard and looked up. It sounded as if Leia had already called his name several times over before he noticed it.

“Yes?”

“Can you set the table, please?”

He checked the phone. The dots disappeared again. “Sure,” he said. He put the phone screen-down on the table and went to grab the plates and silverware. When he picked up his phone again, there was an answer in his chat box.

Snoke: _No problem. Yes, I’ll be playing after 7pm._

Ben’s hands were slippery with sweat when he typed back.

Kylo Ren: _Great, I’ll ping you then._

He knew he wasn’t forgiven.

 

#

 

“So, Armitage, where did you learn how to cook so well?” Leia asked Hux when they all sat down to eat. The lasagna was perfect, the salad dressing too, and Ben was sure that the source of the sudden new flavors wasn’t his mother’s skills.

Hux shrugged. “I’ve always liked to cook. We have help, of course, but my mother used to prepare complicated dishes, and she prided herself being a perfect hostess, and when she fell ill I kind of supervised things for her, just in case. I learned along the way.”

Leia nodded, as if this were a perfectly good explanation. As if Hux having to oversee his own mother wasn’t at all upsetting. “How’s Maratelle doing?” she asked.

“She’s… ah…” Hux hesitated and put down his cutlery, perhaps trying to conceal the slight tremor in his hands that Ben noticed only because he’d been staring at Hux’s fingers yet again. “She’s good, thank you. Considering the circumstances.” And when Leia didn’t pick up the conversation he added, “I go to see her every other day for an hour, but it doesn’t seem enough.” He looked at Ben. “That’s why I wanted to go home early yesterday. I wanted to spend some more time with her. But I don’t… She called me today. She says she’s upset I never visit. That I have _abandoned_ her.”

Ben hated, _hated_ seeing Hux so distressed. In that moment Hux looked even more slender than usual, smaller somehow, breakable. Ben bit his lip and tried to come up with something, _anything_ , that would make Hux seem less vulnerable. Hux was supposed to be stronger than Ben. More adult than Ben.

“Han called today when I was at school,” Ben blurted out. Of course his father had no sense of timing and had called him in the middle of class and then again ten minutes later, miraculously catching Ben on a break. Ben hadn’t meant to tell Leia about the call; he wasn’t his parents’ messenger. Snoke was always telling Ben to not get involved in his parents’ problems. But in this moment he’d do just about anything to divert the topic into something Leia could latch onto without asking Hux any more questions about his mother.

“Oh? What did he say?” Leia pretended to be too busy with her meal to pay much attention to Ben’s reply.

“He wants us to come visit him this weekend.”

“What, in Singapore? It would take a whole day to get there!”

“He’s in New York City. Says he’s been there ‘for a while’ now.” _Fuck this shit_ , Ben thought. Han hadn’t come home. He hadn’t even told them he was back in the US.

A brief cloud of anger mixed with sadness passed over Leia’s face. “Still,” she said. “He can’t expect us to drop everything. Can’t _he_ come here?”

Ben shrugged. That was a question he’d asked, too. He’d never understood his father, and he couldn’t fathom how his parents’ relationship worked. But he did know he wasn’t going to New York for a weekend of arguing and semi-bonding over burgers.

During that whole exchange Hux remained silent. He ate carefully, as if Ben’s family drama made him a bit uncomfortable but didn’t upset him as much as the previous topic.

“Are you done?” Ben asked Hux when he saw that Hux’s plate was mostly empty. He got up without waiting for a reply.

“Ben!” Leia protested, but he’d already put his empty plate in the sink and was heading for the garage. He heard Hux apologize and get up to join him.

 

#

“She’s nice, your mom.” There was a tone of reprimand in Hux’s voice, as if he were lecturing Ben on his rudeness toward Leia. “I thought she’d be more… fierce?”

Ben supposed Leia could give off that harsh vibe when you knew her only from her political presence. “What’s yours like?” he asked, flinching when he realized that he’d just asked the very question he’d been trying to divert Hux’s attention from.

Hux shrugged and patted his pocket, looking for cigarettes. It was a gesture Ben noticed Hux performed when he was flustered, as if he was reassuring himself that he could smoke if he needed to. But instead of pulling out the pack, Hux clasped his hands in front of him and hunched over like a stone angel praying over a grave.

“She’s _difficult_ ,” he said with emphasis, and Ben didn’t know if Hux meant his mother now or before. “Can we get to work?”

“Sure.” Ben plugged in the soldering iron and turned it on. He wondered if Hux wanted to bring up the blow jobs they’d exchanged, or if he wanted to talk about what else they could do, or if he even wanted to do more with Ben. But he kept quiet—there just was no way of starting such a conversation.

They spent the rest of the time in a somewhat charged silence, Hux bringing the pieces together for Ben to solder. Hux’s fingers were steady and precise like neurosurgeon’s, and the work was swift. By the time they were done for the night the whole thing was practically ready. There was just the final programming to do and the outer shell to be added.

Hux took his usual meticulous photos of their progress from every possible angle. “So, next time we can do a test run,” Hux said. “It really is _done_ ,” he added, almost sadly.

Ben thought they both should be happy about that; their was design ready to be shown to the world. And they’d finished it weeks ahead of the presentation day. But hard disappointment tightened his throat when he nodded and hummed his agreement. It meant he and Hux wouldn’t have a pretext to meet anymore.

“There’s still the thesis to finish and the appendix with all the evidence, if you want my input?” he said lamely, knowing that Hux would refuse that—no way in hell would Ben’s input be as good and detailed anything Hux could come up with.

But Hux’s lips quirked with a small smile, as if he was relieved to be offered this option. “Yes. Sure. I’ll email you what I’ve written so far, and you can give me your thoughts about it.” He put Ben’s tools back where they belonged and reached for his phone. “I have to go.”

Ben moved closer to Hux, stopping him with his hand on Hux’s shirt. When Hux looked up his lips were already parted, inviting. They kissed, deep and wet, clumsily. Ben was so hard he thought he was losing his mind. How had this happened? When had his intense longing turned into this _connection_ between them? His mind raced as Hux licked into his mouth, pushing his tongue in. Would it be impossible to pin Hux to the garage floor and blow him again? Would it?

Hux’s phone chimed. He sighed and slowly, slowly disentangled himself from Ben, steadying himself with one hand on Ben’s shoulder. “I have to go, _now_.” He laughed and shook his head, looking at the state of them both. “As soon as this situation subsides.”

 

#

When Hux was gone and Leia was fielding phone calls from her home office, Ben finally logged into LoL. While waiting for the game to start he checked his messages. Snoke hadn’t sent anything more, and he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. For now, Ben started the game without him.

When the ping came it nearly gave Ben a heart attack.

Snoke: _So, how’ve you been?_

Kylo Ren: _OK. Almost finished the engine today._

The excitement of seeing their progress was still humming in Ben’s veins, along with some strange hope that—unlike the project—he and Hux were very much _not_ done.

Snoke: _Really? Congrats man! I’d love to see it._

Kylo Ren: _I’ll send you a vid once we test it next week._

Snoke: _I’m honestly thrilled for you—I told you that if you tried you could do anything! You are brilliant._

Ben had to admit that he was proud of himself. And he wanted Snoke to see the engine and appreciate all the hard work that had gone into it.

Snoke: _Also, I’m glad you won’t feel pressured by it anymore. I know how poorly you handle stress over such things. But I can understand that. I’ve seen great projects crumble at the very last moment because somebody forgot to verify every single detail._

Ben hoped that Hux’s annoying obsession with checking everything two or three times would prevent catastrophe from happening, but nonetheless a chill ran down his back. He could see the presentation going horribly wrong. He had a special talent for ruining everything. His fingers hovered over the keyboard.

Kylo Ren: _Hux is obsessed with detail, so I hope it’ll be ok._

Yes, keep telling yourself that, Ben thought.

Snoke: _He sounds exhausting._

Kylo Ren: _He’s ok. I actually like him._

Snoke: _That’s good. I’m glad you made a friend. I know you’ve been so lonely._

If that had come from Leia or Luke, Ben was sure he’d scoff and deny it. But when Snoke phrased something like that, like Ben’s fears were facts, Ben had an uncanny certainty that Snoke could see to the bottom of his very soul, to the point that it sometimes made his eyes prickle with tears. He took a steadying breath.

Snoke: _Just remember that some people might have a hidden agenda. But I’m always here for you, no matter what, you know that, right? Even at times when you don’t think you need me._

There it was, woven carefully between the lines—the chastising rebuke Ben had been waiting for. He ignored the sting and typed back.

Kylo Ren: _Thank you._ _You’re the best._

Snoke: _aw. And you’re my FAVORITE._

That made Ben laugh. He was finally forgiven.

Ben’s teams won all their matches that night.

 

 

#FRIDAY

“Ben, are you sure you don’t want to go? It’s just for one night,” Leia asked at breakfast, for what must have been the third time now.

“No.” He was not going to play go-between for his parents in New York. They needed to figure out their shit on their own. “But you should go.”

A cornflake flew out of his mouth and landed on the table. He poked it with his fingertip, thinking that normally something like this would made him feel embarrassed, and then angry with himself, which would lead to him being angry about everything and getting more and more angry during the day. But somehow he didn’t feel the waves of self-hatred flowing his way yet. Odd.

Leia stood up to refill her coffee and leaned on Ben’s shoulder. He stiffened but didn’t pull away. “I don’t want to leave you alone again.”

“I don’t mind.” He took another spoonful of the flakes.

“Maybe you could invite Hux over?”

He almost spluttered the whole mouthful of cereal onto the table. Was Leia asking him if he’d _invite Hux for the night?_

“Hm?” He wasn’t taking the bait, whatever it was.

“It’s just…” She sat back down at the table. She looked at Ben carefully, as if Ben was hiding something—a bomb that would detonate if she pushed him too much. “I think he’s going through a hard time with Maratelle being sick. And I’m sure Brendol Hux isn’t exactly a supportive parent. That’s why I think Armitage could use a friend right now.”

“That’s exactly what Luke said when he paired us for the project,” Ben answered, still unable to process Leia’s sudden concern for Hux. Not so long ago she was unhappy about Ben working on the school project with him.

Leia chuckled. “I guess sometimes my brother can be right.”

Ben shook his head. He wasn’t going to agree on that. “What was Hux’s mother like?” he asked instead. “You know—before?”

Leia leaned back in her chair, thoughtful. “Stuck-up. Unpleasant. Aloof, even. She’s from what would be considered a _good family_ and very well educated. She was an art historian, I believe. And she treated everyone who didn’t meet her _standards_ as pariahs.”

Ben wondered if Hux’s arrogance and standoffishness came more from his mother than his dad, then. But he knew now that Hux wasn’t as cold as he appeared to be. Perhaps his mom wasn’t either. It was weird to think of someone’s mother as a person, with hidden emotions and desires.

“I understand that Alzheimer’s just keeps getting worse,” Leia said. “I don’t know much about the disease, but I’ve read that it can bring out the worst in a person.” She took a sip of her coffee and shook her head. “Anyway, I won’t be opposed if you’d like to invite him over.”

Ben bit his lip. “I don’t know if he...” _If he’d like to come._ “If his dad will let him.” God, now he was getting red in the face.

“Well, you can always ask and see.” She smiled and shot him a piercing gaze. “I trust you not to do anything _unprotected._ ”

Ben pushed his bowl of half-eaten flakes away and hid his face in his arms on the table. “Mom,” he groaned. “ _Please_.”

So, she’d guessed it. What he was doing with Hux. He should have known—there was no hiding anything from her, ever. He literally burned with shame. He wished the floor would open below him and swallow him whole.

He felt her hand on his hair. She mussed it gently, then kissed him briefly on the head and went to the home office to gather her things for the day.

Ben waited until he was sure she wasn’t coming back into the kitchen, and then he pulled out his phone. He opened Hux’s contact in iMessage and typed, _My mom asked if you want to spent the night with me,_ then deleted it, typed, _Mom’s going away for the weekend, would you like to sleep with me?,_ deleted it again, hesitated, then wrote, _r u free this weekend?_ He hit send.

He didn’t get a reply until he was almost out the door for school.

Hux: _Yes. Why?_

Ben hesitated. He didn’t know how to phrase it. He had to hurry up or he’d be late for class, but he didn’t want to leave without replying to Hux. Fuck. Why was he such an idiot sometimes?

The day was hot and sunny; another heat wave was due to hit the city this weekend if the forecasts were correct. He pulled his hood up, sweating in the thick fabric but feeling better with his face shaded. He walked on, trying to come up with a decent reply before he got to school.

_Mom’s going away for the weekend. To see my dad in New York. We could test run the engine. And hang out? You could stay for a sleepover… if you want?_

Again, he had to wait for Hux’s reply, and this time through all of history class, since there was a test today and phones were banned until the break. When he could finally look at his phone, he grinned so hard he scared a girl who was walking past him.

_OK._ Followed by, _Shall I bring my unicorn pjs? Will you let me braid your hair and paint your nails pink?_

He replied, _LOL,_ chuckling still and wanting to add, _Yes to all of that,_ but actually sending, _You can come in the morning, mom leaves at some sick hour like 6 a.m._

This time the reply was immediate. _OK. I’ll be there._

Ben kept grinning as a tide of bright joy washed through him. He flushed with heat. The world spun slightly. His palms were humid with sweat. His heart pounded, each heavy beat making him feel so alive. He wondered if this was how astronauts piloting a spaceship felt—as if they had the whole galaxy unspooling ahead of them, vast but not menacing, inviting and waiting to be explored.


	8. Chapter 8

#SATURDAY

Ben cursed his eagerness to invite Hux early in the morning when Hux turned up at 8:00 a.m. on the dot, waking Ben up. Ben was a mess. He’d spent last night cleaning up his room, and then he’d groomed himself for hours, hoping Hux would be interested in further sexual explorations. Then he’d played LoL until dawn to make up for his earlier absence. As a result, Ben felt half-lucid as he dressed himself and opened the front door. As he followed Hux into the garage, he seriously second-guessed his life choices.

“Fuck no. I don’t think I can _think_ yet,” he said when Hux asked Ben if he wanted to check over the programming before they ran it. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and tried to brush his crazy bed head into something decent-looking. “I need caffeine.” It sounded like a whine.

Hux chuckled. “All right. Go get a coffee. Bring me one too. Black, no sugar. I’ll set everything up.” After glancing up at Ben again, he added, “You look like shit.”

Ben tried to ignore the stab of hurt he felt upon hearing that remark, and the annoyance at being bossed around. Of course he looked like _shit_ , especially compared to Hux, with his sleek hair and perfectly ironed clothes. Perhaps it was his housekeeper who took care of Hux’s wardrobe, but Ben had an inkling that Hux himself made sure everything was starched and pressed to perfection.

He flipped on the coffee maker and went upstairs to brush his teeth and make himself more presentable. Then he got the biggest mug he could find for himself and a slightly smaller one for Hux, and he filled them up with Leia’s favorite blend. He checked himself in the mirror once again before going back. The dark circles under his eyes weren’t exactly flattering, but who looked good at fucking dawn? If Hux didn’t like it, he should’ve come at a decent hour like a normal person.

He went back to the garage, sulking a bit despite being awake enough now to feel the first pangs of excitement sneaking up on him. He sat on the floor and closed his eyes for a moment, while Hux connected his laptop to the matrix.

Hux huffed, then huffed again, and after a while he said, “It doesn’t want to load. Fuck.”

Ben sat with his eyes still closed, enjoying the heat of the coffee spreading inside him, melting the ice of weariness sitting in his chest.

“You could make yourself useful and have a look at it, at least,” Hux barked when Ben was almost drifting back to sleep. “Or does your input start and stop with the soldering iron?”

“Fuck you,” Ben murmured, but he sluggishly got up to help, taking another long gulp of his coffee on the way. “Why don’t you try your coffee and stop being a dick?”

This earned Ben a glare from Hux, but he did move to the mug to his lips. “Why is mine smaller than yours?” he asked, eyeing Ben’s ceramic bowl.

Ben chuckled. “Genetics?”

Hux glared harder and shook his head in annoyance. But then he took a sip of his coffee and hummed with appreciation before going back to fiddle with his laptop.

“I don’t get it,” Hux said, pulling at his hair and making it stick up at odd angles, which made him look quite _cute_ if someone asked for Ben’s opinion.

Ben took a deep breath and tried to wrap his head around the current problem. Hours passed as they disassembled some parts and then reassembled them again. Hux changed the settings several times, and Ben disconnected and reconnected all the wires, and still the fucking thing wouldn’t work. The midday heat became too much to bear, even when Ben pulled his T-shirt up to wipe the sweat off his face. He didn’t get how Hux could stand this temperature fully dressed in a button-down shirt and long pants. He did look flushed and a little rumpled, though.

“Coke?” Ben asked, wiping his hands on the hem of his wrinkled T-shirt and turning to walk back to the house. He needed a break.

“Water, please,” Hux shouted, and Ben suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at Hux’s healthy choices.

He brought Hux a bottle of chilled water and a couple of cereal bars. He munched on one too.

“Come on, let’s take a moment,” he said around a bite. “When something doesn’t want to happen, it doesn’t want to happen. We need to leave it for a minute and come back to it later, since pushing it will only make us mad.” That was what Ben’s therapist always told him, but it was true. He was going to fucking trash this stupid engine if they continued. He felt the tension in his body mounting and let his hands rise up to his shoulders to massage it away. It was one of the warning signs he’d learned to identify. He knew _exactly_ what would happen next, and he didn’t want to lose his shit around Hux and ruin their day together. He rubbed his neck again, rolled his shoulders, and then turned his head left and right. “Come on,” he said to Hux, as he went to the porch to lie down in the shade of the covered deck.

He had to wait another ten minutes or so, but eventually Hux emerged from the garage.

“When did you become all philosophical and stoic and shit?” Hux asked when he climbed the deck’s stairs and settled next to Ben. His tone was clipped—he was clearly more upset than he was letting on.

Ben shrugged. He didn’t want to bring up his therapist and that he’d listened to the bitch this once. The point was he was never the master of his moods—his emotions came and went as they pleased, as if he were the subject of some experiment by alien forces. Perhaps he wasn’t as angry as he’d usually get because he was too sleepy, or perhaps watching Hux get all worked up made Ben calm down in contrast. He couldn’t say.

“Why isn’t the fucking thing working?” Hux lay down next to Ben on the deck, still reeling. He dug out a rolled-up cigarette from a packet he had in his shirt pocket and lit it, releasing a puff of smoke that smelled like burnt rubber mixed with herbs.

Ben took a whiff and raised his eyebrows. _Weed? Honestly?_ “How can you smoke this shit when everything is fucking melting?” he asked, turning on his back and squinting at the rays of sun shining through the cracks in the deck’s roof. Hux didn’t answer but held the joint in Ben’s direction, and when Ben didn’t take it at once he propped himself up on one elbow and pressed the spliff to Ben’s lips so he could take a drag.

“So, can you stay the night?” Ben asked once he’d exhaled. He was getting better at it—not coughing as much as he’d done the previous time they’d smoked together. This blunt was also lighter, mixed with tobacco and something else that tasted distinctly sweet. It was _nice_.

“Yes,” Hux said after a beat.

Ben’s heart rate accelerated. He let Hux pass him the joint again and pretended not to notice that Hux’s fingers lingered on his lips for a tad too long. A shiver ran down his spine—a tingle that left him wanting more. He couldn’t tell what Hux wanted, so he stayed still, feeling Hux move his fingers, tracing the outline of Ben’s lower lip. The smoke from the cigarette curled around them in little swirls. When Hux’s hand finally slid away Ben felt bereft, his lips still tingling where Hux’s fingers had just caressed him.

They lay close to each on the deck, with their hands almost touching but not quite. Ben wondered if Hux would let him take his hand and explore the lines where the blue, delicate veins were visible under the smooth, pale skin. His fingers twitched to reach Hux, but then Hux squinted in the sunbeam that was shining straight at his face and sighed. “I need to get out of this sun or else I’ll be so sunburnt tomorrow I’ll have to wear concealer.”

Ben snorted. “You’d look good in makeup, though.”

“Oh, yeah?” Hux laughed and turned his face to Ben, eyes dancing with mirth. His irises looked so green that it almost took Ben’s breath away. “And you’d look good in eyeliner, you know? You could pull off that whole emo look with your scowling and all.”

“Fuck you.” Ben laughed too, but something painful was shuddering in his chest under Hux’s gaze.

Hux rolled on his stomach. “I got into that West Point camp,” he said, all traces of laughter suddenly evaporating.

“Congrats!” Ben propped himself up, wanting to clap Hux’s shoulder, but something made him stop the gesture.

“Yeah.” Hux looked away and lowered his head, hiding from Ben.

Ben wondered if that was the reason Hux was so wound up today. Was that the reason he’d come over early too? And why nothing was working with the engine?

“Hey,” he said, pulling himself up farther, leaning over Hux. And when Hux said nothing, just kept his face averted, Ben scooted closer, and because he was shit with untangling emotions or helping anyone by talking it out, he put his hand on Hux’s jaw, turned Hux’s face a bit, and kissed him.

The angle of it was odd, and Hux tasted mostly of smoke, but underneath it there was something sweet and hot. His lips were soft and moving in accordance with Ben’s touch, and when a little hum of pleasure escaped Hux, it made Ben’s heart flip and his pulse race faster. He felt Hux move to accommodate Ben’s body, his hand caressing Ben’s side, and then Ben pulled Hux closer, and then closer again, tugging him almost on top of himself. His cock throbbed, and even through the layers of clothes he could feel how hard Hux was too.

A door in a neighbor’s house slammed, and both Ben and Hux flinched and jumped away from each other as if burned. Hux stuffed the butt of the spliff into the soda can Ben had left by his side. Ben’s face felt as if on fire, and when he glanced at Hux he could see his cheeks were pink too, the blush reaching even his ears. If anyone saw them right now it would be obvious what had been going on.

“Let’s finish the work so we can be free later,” Hux said, standing up and brushing invisible dust off his slacks. It only drew Ben’s attention to the unmistakable bulge in Hux’s trousers. He stifled the urge to smirk at that and nodded instead, clearing his throat.

“Yeah. Okay,” Ben said, getting up too.

They spent the next two hours going through the machine piece by piece, and the programming again and again. And normally Ben would be frustrated beyond reason, sick to death of the repetition and angry with everything, _Hux included_ , for making him endure this, for pushing him too hard. But it seemed like something had shifted between them earlier, as if Hux had stripped off all his layers, or at least some of them, and he’d emerged soft-edged and sweet from underneath, and Ben was loath to undo that with his own meltdowns.

#

 

By the time the engine finally sparked to life, Ben was almost too tired and too famished to celebrate, but he did smile back at Hux, who looked triumphant. “We did it,” Ben said softly, not sure if he should grab Hux and kiss him.

“We did.” Hux grinned. He stood in the middle of the garage, his hair messy from all the tugging and cheeks flushed from the heat.

Ben’s heart pounded. The air was charged with something bigger than just the engine working. “Do you…” Ben bit his lip. He didn’t know what he really wanted to ask Hux. “Are you hungry?”

Hux looked surprised or maybe disappointed for a moment, but then he nodded. “Yes. Yes. Shall we order something?”

Ben shook his head. “We can heat up whatever Arthu made. I think there are meatballs in curry sauce with mashed sweet potatoes. It’s good.”

When they moved to the kitchen, Hux stood too close to Ben. Ben could almost feel the heat of Hux’s skin. He could _smell_ Hux. When he looked up, Hux’s green eyes were _just there_. It made preparing the meal crazy hard. His hands weren’t finding the dishes. He dropped the spoon twice. He almost spilled everything, but Hux steadied his hand and then left it there on Ben’s forearm for fucking ages, and Ben just wasn’t… He couldn’t think. He turned and looked at Hux. They were so close their lips were almost brushing. The microwave dinged but neither of them moved to get the food.

When Hux took Ben’s hand and tugged, leading Ben out of the kitchen and upstairs, Ben didn’t protest despite his earlier hunger. He didn’t think he could swallow any food anyway.

Everything felt totally different to Ben than during the drunken haze of their previous encounter. This time he knew what they were about to do. Despite feeling horribly stupid, he decided to play some music to make the room less quiet. He put some Alt-J on the speakers because he thought that’d be some shit that Hux was maybe into. They’d both taken off their shirts, and the expanse of Hux’s exposed pale skin was breathtaking. His nipples were small and pink and pert. A flush spread unevenly from Hux’s neck and chest down to his navel, and Ben wanted to lap at the skin there, but he felt way too self-conscious to begin, especially with Hux looking straight at him, maybe assessing him, or just curious or equally anxious. The whole situation with them studying each other, almost naked and about to have sex, was so absurd that Ben didn’t know what move to make next. He almost backed out, thinking he could go downstairs and finish making that food instead, and not risk standing here forever in this excruciating silence. But then Hux took a step forward and put his hand, tentatively, on Ben’s chest. His fingers felt cold on Ben’s heated skin, and the sensation sent a shiver down Ben’s spine.

“Let’s go to bed?” Ben suggested, wincing at how stupid this sentence sounded and how loud and out of place his voice was, even with the music in the background.

Hux didn’t seemed fazed, though. He nodded and crawled up on Ben’s bed. He leaned back and unzipped his slacks, getting them down. His underwear was tenting. Ben licked his lips, nervous. He knew they’d done it before, but somehow everything felt so much more meaningful today. He climbed on the bed and leaned over Hux. He let Hux tug on his shorts and underwear. They kissed, wet and sloppy, as if they wanted to climb into each other’s mouths. Hux’s fingers traced the line of Ben’s spine and dipped into the crack of Ben’s ass. Ben’s hips jerked. He thrust forward and felt Hux grab his ass harder.

“Oh, fuck.” It slipped from his mouth without him meaning to say it. Hux’s eyes were very green when he looked right at Ben.

“Do you have lube?” Hux asked, stroking his fingers along Ben’s crack.

That question felt like a bucket of ice water. Ben wanted to do this—whatever Hux wanted— _with Hux_. But despite all his fantasies, despite thinking about fucking and being fucked hard, despite all the grooming he’d done, and despite wanting to be so close to Hux that he’d like to crawl inside Hux’s skin, he just… couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

Hux brushed Ben’s hair away from his face and pulled Ben up for another kiss. “Just for this,” he said, moving the hand that was resting on Ben’s butt to sneak it between their bodies and line up both their dicks together. “To make it slick. It’ll be nicer that way.”

“Oh,” Ben said. “Okay. Sure. I’ve got lube.” He got up to dig in the nightstand drawer, feeling ridiculous to be doing so with his dick jutting out like the fucking mast of a ship.

“Ben?” Hux’s voice sounded strangely close, and when Ben looked up he saw that Hux had moved to peek over the edge of the bed.

“What?” he snapped, because his cock was out, his ears were red, and his whole ungainly body was on display.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Why? Yes. Of course I want to.” Ben gestured to his obvious hard-on.

“All right. Just tell me if you’d rather not. I don’t want to assume…”

“Shut up,” Ben said, climbing back up with the lube and pushing Hux back on the bed. How could Hux even think that Ben wouldn’t want this? With Hux? It was Ben who was undesirable. “Got it!” He waved the bottle of lube.

Hux extended his hand and let Ben squeeze lube onto his palm. “Okay, here we go,” he said. He sounded nervous.

Ben lay on top of Hux, holding his weight on his arms, so he could give Hux some maneuvering space between their bodies.

“Jesus, fuck.” Ben gasped. Hux wrapping his slicked hand over them both was just… fucking heaven. To feel Hux so hard against himself, to have Hux’s beautiful fingers closed around them both, was beyond what Ben could express with words. He let his head fall, his forehead touching Hux’s. He was aware that he was breathing hard and loudly into Hux’s mouth, but all that mattered was Hux’s touch, Hux’s green eyes, blurred from this close, and Hux’s little noises. Ben didn’t even notice when he tipped over the edge; he was suddenly coming, thrusting hard into Hux’s grip, overwhelmed and lost, choking on his own breath.

He watched in awe as Hux released Ben’s softening cock and stroked himself fast and hard until he was coming too, white stripes painting his stomach and hand.

“So fucking hot,” Ben said. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

#

Eventually they got dressed again and did get to the kitchen to eat, then back to the garage to make the video of the working engine that Ben wanted to upload immediately to show Snoke.

“Why do you care so much about his approval?” Hux frowned when Ben impatiently whipped out his phone to send the link.

Ben hummed, wanting to shrug it off. “It’s just. He’s my best friend, I guess? Plus, he’ll get it. He’s an engineer himself, even though he mostly does data processing these days.”

Snoke replied immediately, almost too fast. As if he’d not seen the video at all, or just skimmed through.

Snoke: _Holy fuck! This is amazing! I need to see all the schematics!_

Kylo Ren: _I’ll send it all later. Hux is staying the night and I need to get going._

There was no reply. Ben wondered if it was because Snoke had nothing more to say or because he was angry at Ben having Hux over. He had said he was glad Ben made a friend. But maybe he was jealous. That was a ridiculous thought, though. Ben wasn’t Snoke’s only friend.

“So,” Hux asked. “What would you normally be doing on a Saturday evening?”

Ben shrugged. “Playing League of Legends? Watching movies? I don’t know.”

“Can we?” Hux looked pleading. It was only eight in the evening, but Ben was knackered after not sleeping the night before, and then the whole day of working with total concentration, and then all the making out with Hux. “Do you have Netflix?”

“Sure,” Ben said. “What do you want to watch?”

“Whatever you like is good. Just… no action movies. And no rom-coms. And no idiotic Sci-Fi.”

Ben laughed. “Thank fuck you’re not picky or demanding or shit. Just let me take a shower first.” He stank of sweat and come and couldn’t crawl next to Hux on the bed smelling like this.

They took turns in the shower, then set up camp in Ben’s room. They lay on top of the comforter just in their underwear, binge-watching _Stranger Things_ on Ben’s computer until they couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore. It was the best day of Ben’s life, Ben thought.

#

Ben woke up to a feeling of being watched. It was hot in his room, and his skin was sticky with sweat. In the gleam of the nightstand lamp he could see Hux next to him perched up on his elbow, not moving, just lying there, just… staring.

Ben cleared his throat. He almost recoiled with fear when Hux moved his hand and tucked a lock of Ben’s hair behind his ear, then brushed his thumb over Ben’s cheek and slid it lower to trace the shape of Ben’s lips in a similar way to what he’d done on the porch during the day. Ben’s skin tingled. The lamplight was greenish, and in its glow Hux looked somewhat unreal, odd, as if he were a spirit who’d come to haunt Ben—a nightmare, but not quite, not with how thrilling and good Hux’s touch felt.

“What are you doing?” Ben asked, when Hux’s fingers lingered too long on his lips. It unsettled him to feel Hux’s thumb slip slightly into his mouth when he talked.

“You’ve got a beautiful mouth,” Hux answered. His gaze was more intense than Ben could hold.

Ben wanted to shrug it off, deny it, because— _please_ —he _did not_ have a beautiful mouth. His mouth was huge and his lips were puffy and more often than not chapped, not to mention his crooked teeth pushed at his upper lip so it protruded a bit. His mother had wanted Ben to get braces, but Ben had refused. His teeth would look ugly no matter what, and he didn’t need the additional misery. Miraculously, Han had backed Ben up on it then, asking Leia to “leave the kid alone.”

Now Ben didn’t say anything because Hux leaned closer, leaving his hand on Ben’s face, and kissed Ben. It was gentle—so much gentler than their earlier kisses. The pads of Hux’s fingers moved along Ben’s lips, in between their mouths, stretching the corner of Ben’s lips a little, sometimes sliding delicately inside, pushing at the tip of Ben’s tongue. He wanted to ask if Hux found it gross to have his fingers covered in saliva, but, _fuck_ , he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t _think_. Hux pushed at Ben, pinning him down under his slender body and thrusting against him as he kissed him deeper and harder, with his fingers still resting there, still moving lightly against Ben’s tongue.

_I don’t get you,_ Ben thought. _I want to know you. Everything about you. Everything._

He felt the pressure building in him, and he thrust up to meet Hux halfway. He was too warm, and the sheen of sweat on his body made everything slippery and sticky at the same time. Hux took his fingers out of Ben’s mouth and slid them down Ben’s chest, leaving a trail of wet spit behind. Ben shivered and moaned, an  embarrassing sound.

“You’re so…impressive,” Hux said, breathless and pushing Ben’s underwear down, gripping him tight. It sounded weird as far as compliments went, but it made Ben’s chest expand with pride.

When they came again, rubbing against each other in crazy jerks of their bodies, Ben curled up, clinging to Hux. _Are you my boyfriend now?_ he wanted to ask, but he didn’t dare.

 

#

“Ben, I’ve got to go.”

Ben woke up to Hux already dressed, pristine in his change of clothes, his hair neatly combed, his expression clipped.

“What?” Ben mumbled in protest. They had all of Sunday before Leia would be back.

“Mother’s Day. I need to go see my mom. Even if she won’t remember it later on.”

Despite the disappointment heavy in his chest, Ben nodded. He couldn’t make Hux stay.

“Do you want breakfast? Coffee?” he asked, propping himself up. The room was still hot and Ben’s hair clung to his forehead. He was covered in dried-up come, itching as it flaked from his skin. The idea that half of it was Hux’s was somehow exciting.

“No.” Hux smiled. His eyes crinkled as he did so. “I’ll text you later, because I can’t come over tomorrow. I have homework to catch up on.” He leaned to kiss Ben lightly and then turned to leave. “I’ll let myself out. Go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Ben said and did.

 

#

Over the next few days Ben felt as if he’d swallowed the sun. Everything was bright and hot and larger than life—not just outside, but inside himself too. He felt as if he were filled with infinite energy. He wanted to leap from buildings, bounce off the walls, climb a mountain and shout from the top until his voice grew hoarse and gave out. At school his classes flew by; he could barely concentrate and yet his grades were better than ever. He was coming up with ideas like never before, and he was _participating_ in class, not just objecting to his teachers. At home he was helping Leia with house chores without being asked to, and he didn’t mind his mother’s prying, just as he didn’t mind that Han was still in New York and not back home. He was winning every LoL game—he didn’t even need Snoke’s help during the matches.

_He was invincible._ He was energy itself, compressed by some universal force into the shape of a man.

He couldn’t sleep or perhaps he didn’t _need_ sleep. Perhaps he had never needed sleep, but surely not now, not while Hux was texting him in the middle of the night to ask what Ben’s favorite flavor of ice cream was, and not when Ben was asking in turn if Hux believed in some sentient higher power, or if Hux would like to go shooting someday, or why did he find the music Ben listened to depressing.

Ben felt crazed, but good, so good, the best he’d ever been. And just like the sun, his energy would never burn out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter content warnings: all warnings and tags mentioned above in A03 and in the end notes of this story apply. Please, bear this in mind in case any of these are especially triggering for you.

#MONDAY

_“Can I come_ _over_ _around at 6 so we can pack_ _up_ _the engine?”_

Ben’s pulse quickened at the sight of a message from Hux. Texts from Hux had grown scarce lately. Gone were the all-night exchanges of random thoughts and morning complaints about lack of sleep. They hadn’t spent time together since Hux had spent the night almost ten days ago.

Hux turned up slightly late, which was unusual for him, carrying an unassembled cardboard box, two rolls of tape, and a roll of bubble wrap. He greeted Ben stiffly and went right to the garage to drop the packing materials on the floor. Ben followed him, perplexed and fighting alarming waves of despair that threatened to overwhelm his thoughts. Perhaps Hux had come to his senses. The project was completed, and so was the pretext for hanging out together. Hux would never admit to being friends with Ben, never mind having a relationship with him, and at school they pretended they didn’t know each other outside of the science project.

Or maybe Ben had misjudged things from the start and read too much into whatever he and Hux had shared. Sure, they’d gotten off together, but perhaps there hadn’t been any connection there—not like he’d thought, at least. Or maybe Ben had imagined it all. Everything was a blur these days. The energy that was flowing through him was waning, making him feel stretched thin like finely spun thread.

Hux hadn’t uttered a word; he’d gotten to work at once, putting the box together on the table next to the engine waiting to be packed.

Ben hadn’t seen Hux up close at school, and now that he examined him in the harsh overhead light of the garage, he could see that Hux looked somewhat washed out, as if he’d been suffering the same stress that was preventing Ben from sleeping at night and making his stomach clench in the mornings. Ben didn’t even remember much from the last week or so, apart from the fact that he hadn’t been sleeping enough or seeing Hux enough. Or at all. And Hux had the same aura about him.

“Are you all right?” Ben asked, suddenly alarmed at Hux’s state.

“Yeah. Just—tired.” Hux rubbed at his eyes. “Brendol’s set on overseeing my SLE preparations personally, and it’s kind of… _a lot._ ”

“I thought admission to West Point didn’t hang on how you do at that camp? Isn’t the whole idea of camp that you actually try those things out? Like, you can practice to see if you’re cut out for the school?”

Hux just glared at him. “Hold this.” He handed Ben the end of the bubble wrap. “I’ll go around and you can unroll it as I go.”

He held the wrap in both hands, stunned at how small Hux’s palm looked against the sleek silver lines of the outer shell they’d put on to make the engine look more professional. Ben thought that maybe wrapping the engine so heavily wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t as if they were about to throw it around or bring it to the fair in a wheelbarrow.

“Do you want me to help you load it onto the truck?” Hux asked once they were done with wrapping and closing the box. Ben had yet to get permission to use Han’s truck to drive the engine to the fair. He didn’t expect Han would refuse, but just in case it was best not to heft it up there just yet.

“No, I’ll do it later,” he said. “It’s not that heavy.” He was sure he could manage it without help.

“But it’s awkward to lift.” Hux pointed to the large box—too large to fit into Hux’s tiny sedan.

“I’ll manage.”

Hux looked doubtful, and Ben was about to be offended, but then Hux nodded. “Don’t forget to tape it down so it doesn’t slide around the flatbed. Like this.” Hux grabbed the tape and made a few double-sided loops that held the box to the edge of the table. He bit his lip and rubbed his eyes again. He sounded hesitant when he said, “I’ve got to go.” His steps were heavy when he marched to the door. He looked back. “I’ll text you on Saturday to make sure you’re up before I come over so we can drive there together. And let me know if you need help putting this in the truck after all—I can come earlier on Saturday to assist with the loading.” Then, without waiting for Ben’s reply, he crossed through the yard and went around the house to leave.

 “Fuuuck,” Ben said, confused, angry and so so very disappointed.

 

#SATURDAY

Ben woke up with a start, pawing at his phone to stop it from emitting the insufferable sound he’d chosen because no other alarm could raise him from slumber. He still couldn’t sleep much, but when he did—usually drifting off around dawn—it was like drowning in a well of darkness with no way out.

For a while Ben lay in bed, unmoving, trying to calm his breathing. He placed his palm on his abdomen, pushing on it firmly, wishing his guts would stop cramping. When that didn’t help, he rolled on his stomach, wrapped the duvet over his head, and took his phone to check his messages. The last one was from Hux: _See you in the morning. I’ll be there at 8:30._ Ben wished Hux’d written it in a more personal way, like those messages he’d sent only a week ago.

There was also one new notification in Hangouts.

Snoke: _Good luck, Ben! The engine is brilliant and I know that you are perfectly prepared, but I also know how you get when you’re too stressed and I wish you could just submit the project without the presentation. Don’t let your emotions ruin the day, okay? I’ll talk to you after you’ve presented it but know that I’m sending good thoughts your way just in case you are unable to pull this off._ _And know that no matter what happens, I’m always here for you. GL!_

Ben squeezed his eyes shut. His stomach cramped again. There was no way he could get up yet. He opened a Twitch channel on his phone to watch a live LoL game to calm himself down. A streamer called _Vaporadark_ , whom Ben sometimes watched when he was too tired to play himself, was currently waiting for a game. Ben closed his eyes for a second so as not to stare at the screen with nothing but waiting going on.

When he woke up again it was to Hux’s message: _On my way. See you in 20_ _._

Ben jumped out of bed, feeling half-dazed, his heart hammering and head throbbing so hard that for a moment the pain blinded him. He stumbled into the bathroom to brush his teeth and stood there, staring at nothing for a while, trying to understand what he was doing. Eventually, he splashed some water on his face, took a breath that did nothing to calm down his racing pulse, and went back to his room to dress himself. Nothing fit. His hands were numb, and the buttons of his shirt wouldn’t close. His face was numb too. When he brushed his hair back he smacked his cheek with the bristles but the sting didn’t even register. Nausea rose in his throat. He tried to squash it down with more deep breathing and went downstairs.

Leia was out—she’d been called away to an emergency press conference—but in the kitchen there were sandwiches with a Post-it stuck to them, and Ben’s head spun even more, making him question the very nature of reality. Was he in a time loop? A dream?

He ran to the garage. He’d make it before Hux got here. If not, Hux would be annoyed. Hux might not want to drive to the fair with Ben at all if things weren’t perfect. But Ben could do it himself. He just had to move the box into the truck. One box. He could do it.

He held the box on both sides. He got a good grip and made a move to lift it up, but the thing wouldn’t budge. It wasn’t that heavy—Ben was certain about that and he couldn’t understand why he suddenly wasn’t able to move it.

He yanked on it again. It was stuck.

If Ben were in a more serene state of mind, perhaps he’d approach the problem with more patience. But Hux was on his way, and Ben was already sweating, his palms getting slippery. When he yanked at the box once more, with more force this time, the tape holding it down gave way, and suddenly the cardboard box went flying out of Ben’s grip and onto the floor of the garage.

Ben froze.

Perhaps the engine was fine. The bubble wrap must have lessened the impact. It could be all right. He just had to make sure of it before Hux arrived.

He reached for the box, tearing at the tape and then digging into the layers of wrap. He yanked and ripped the plastic, which was layered so heavily he thought he’d never get to the bottom. He should’ve used scissors or a knife, but time was ticking and he couldn’t waste it searching for something sharp. He tore a hole, eventually, and then ripped it further, only to see that the sleek outer shell was heavily dented. Despite all the wrapping.

There were ways of calming himself. Ben had repeated the exercises with Dr. Kalonia countless times over. But the point was that at moments like this he didn’t _want_ to calm down. He didn’t _deserve_ to calm down. If he was going to fail, he very well could and should fail all the way. He wanted punishment and pain and annihilation, and if the whole world was going down with him, so be it.

His head was still throbbing, each pulse of blood clouding his vision and leaving dark spots in its wake. Normally he’d have problems breathing but he was beyond this point now. Breathing was not relevant anymore. He balled his hands into fists, his fingernails digging into his palms to the point of breaking the skin, and punched himself hard on his thigh. He hit again and again, but the pain was not enough.

He looked at the box, collapsed and lopsided under the worktable, mocking him. He should pick the engine up. Perhaps there was still time to check if it was only the shell that got damaged; perhaps there was still hope. But Ben knew that the precise work was too fragile; it shouldn’t have even been _shaken_ , not to mention thrown down onto concrete, wrapping or not.

Another throb in Ben’s head made him almost black out. He leaned forward, pressing his palms to his knees like an athlete after a marathon. There was a long metal rod lying on the floor, once part of a broken set of shelves.

This part he wouldn’t remember later in its entirety, only in bits and pieces, like cut out scenes from a roll of film. Him yanking the rod. The sound of the metal colliding with the delicate parts of the engine. Metal and silicon bits flying into the air around him, like snow only upside down. Him shouting at it, or maybe sobbing in anger as he finally threw the rod into the wall.

“Shut up. Fucking shut up!” he cried at the neighbor’s barking dog when he stumbled out of the garage and back into the house. They could fucking call the police, he didn’t care. He climbed upstairs, swaying when another rush of anger and despair wracked him, and he only barely got to his bathroom in time to throw up.

His vision was still spotty, or there were drops of blood on the toilet seat where he’d been gripping it. Perhaps he’d cut himself, but he couldn’t feel it. No amount of beating himself up would help when he didn’t fucking feel anything. He moved to his bedroom, took his backpack, and loaded it up with whatever clothes were lying around on the bed and floor. He half-sobbed, half-choked on air, and he tried to scream but no sound came out. His hands shook but they were still too numb for him to feel them. His vision was coming and going as he walked out of the house, not bothering to lock the front door.

#

Ben sat at a train station, not sure how he’d gotten there in the first place. His vision was still blurry, his surroundings hazy, and huge chunks of time seemed to be missing from his memory. He took out his phone, wiped something wet off his face, and stared at the iMessage notifications from Hux without reading them. He still caught a glimpse of “ _Where are you?_ ” before he swiped it closed.

He had to tap three times on the green Hangouts icon to finally open the chat.

Kylo Ren: _I fucked everything_

Kylo Ren: _up_

He typed as fast and as precisely as he could, sniffling and pushing his long hair off his forehead again and again.

Kylo Ren: _just like always_

Kylo Ren: _I can’t deal with this anymore. I should_

Kylo Ren: _do everyone a favor and stop fucking existing_

The dots blinked at him, judging him.

Snoke: _What happened?_

Kylo Ren: _the project_

Kylo Ren: _the engine. fucking didn’t want to move and then I fckig smashed it all up so weve nothing to show_

Kylo Ren: _I’m a fckngg moron!!!!!_

Snoke: _Ben, calm down. How is the engine smashed? What did H say?_

Kylo Ren: _IDK_

Kylo Ren: _I ran away_

Snoke: _Ran away?_

Kylo Ren: _i can’t deal with this anymore. I want to DISSAPPEAR._

Kylo Ren: _cant go back home_

He knew it like the most certain fact in the world. He’d never go back home.

Snoke: _Where are you now?_

Ben had to take a look around to make certain he was really where he thought he was.

Kylo Ren: _train station_

Snoke: _OK. Do you have money?_

Kylo Ren: _on my card. Yeah._

Snoke: _OK then. Buy a ticket to Baltimore. Come to me and we’ll figure out what to do, ok?_

While waiting for the earliest train to arrive, Ben sat still, trying not to move an inch. If he so much as moved a muscle, that single gesture could send him out of control and make him do something even more horrible than he’d already done, something that would end in bloodbath, in ripped flesh and snapped tendons and broken bones.

Fantasizing about it made him feel somewhat better, though. Thinking of jumping right in front of the approaching train and of his body being dragged by the machine, smeared over the rails, made him relax somewhat. The sound his skull would make when it crushed under the weight of the metal… it would be the ultimate punishment he deserved, and it would mean that everything would be over. No more anger, no more tantrums he couldn’t control, no more _being Ben_ —only peace.

He found his seat on the train and tried to squeeze his overlong legs underneath himself so he’d take up less space, despite the train being half-empty. He put his headphones on and turned his music up as loud as possible to block out the whole world. He chewed on his fingernails and thought about what Hux was doing—if he’d already seen what Ben had done, if he’d gone to the fair to explain, if he’d ever talk to Ben again. Probably not—not after Ben destroying all his dreams. Fuck it all.

His phone vibrated with a message from his mom.

Leia: _How did the presentation go_ _,_ _h_ _o_ _n?_

So she hadn’t yet heard the news: another failure of her son. Another disaster he’d caused. Months of hard work down the drain, and not just his hard work. Ben had a vivid image of the look of betrayal and shock and hate that had surely been on Hux’s face when he saw the pile of rubble that their engine had become.

Ben’s phone vibrated again.

Snoke: _Are you on your way?_

Kylo Ren: _yes_

Snoke: _Good. I’ll pick you up at the station._

Fresh tears welled up in Ben’s eyes, and he suppressed the urge to let them flow. If Snoke was really picking him up at the train station, then there was at least someone who didn’t hate him—one single person in the whole universe who wasn’t disappointed in him.

Kylo Ren: _ok_

Snoke: _I’m happy to finally meet you. No matter the circumstances._

Ben couldn’t muster much energy for excitement. He felt defeated and lost, drained of the energy to keep going. Snoke was his last resort, but he’d been always there for Ben; it was unfair to be an asshole toward him.

Kylo Ren: _me too. sorry. I got a lot on my mind rn. I’m sorry._

And he was so fucking sorry. But it was a relief to have a destination. He was grateful that Snoke was waiting for him and wanting to meet him, accepting him despite all Ben’s flaws. Ben shivered. The air-conditioning on the train was on high. He wished he had a sweater, but all he could do was curl up on himself and endure the blasts of cold air.

He tapped the moon icon to put his phone into “do not disturb” mode, and then he let exhaustion overtake him. He dozed off. He dreamt that two-headed robotic dogs were chasing him through the narrow corridors of an industrial building or maybe a spaceship. “I’m sorry,” Ben shouted to them. “I’ll fix you up later!” But they didn’t stop. They crawled up his body instead, reaching for his throat with razor sharp teeth and oddly wet, slimy paws.

He startled out of sleep when someone poked at his arm. He pulled the headphones off his ears. It was just his ticket being checked, but his heart was racing as if he was about to be found out and deemed a runaway, busted as a teenager who’d ditched school and should be delivered back home in handcuffs. Nothing of the sort happened, of course—his ticket was handed back and he was left to his own distress.

He had so many new notifications of missed phone calls and voicemail messages from everyone: Leia, Luke, Hux. Perhaps to torment himself, he clicked on Leia’s, which where the most recent.

_“I heard what happened. I’m so sorry, love. Are you okay?”_

_“Ben, where are you?”_

_“I’m worried, can you call me?”_

“ _Ben! PICK UP_!”

The phone lit up in Ben’s hand—Leia again. He waited until the call went to voicemail. Then he switched his phone off completely, something he’d never done in his life. He tried not to think about his mother. He’d call her later, when he had more strength. Or never. For now, all he could do was sit still and watch the world passing by beyond the window. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to exist.

He wasn’t sure he’d recognize Snoke at the station, but Ben spotted him immediately—a tall, slightly hunched figure in a gray suit, standing by the stairs. How he knew it was Snoke was impossible to explain, especially since that photo of Snoke he’d once seen had shown a much younger man. Snoke was way older than Ben expected—he’d estimated thirty, maybe thirty-something, but Snoke was at least fifty years old. Or maybe he was just really worn out? Ben sucked at guessing how old people were. What did that matter anyway? He waved to Snoke and let Snoke hug him, a one-armed, awkward consolation. He got a whiff of lavender and mildew before Snoke released him and gently but firmly pushed him toward the exit and into the humid air of Baltimore’s streets.

 

#SUNDAY

. . .

#MONDAY

. . .

#TUESDAY

Ben couldn’t remember what day it was when Snoke had finally gone out, and Ben had found his phone buried deep in his backpack, powered it up, and dialed the first number he could think of.

He’d half-expected no one would answer, and he flinched when the call actually went through.

“Dad?”

He hoped that Han was still in New York, but maybe he was in Singapore again or somewhere else in the world entirely. It could be days before he’d come for Ben, or maybe he’d never come at all; maybe he didn’t care about Ben enough.

“Ben? Where are you? Your mother and I are so worried.”

He couldn’t answer.

“Son?”

And that was what did it. Ben started to cry.

His hands shook when he texted the address. It seemed like something someone else was doing, because Ben was so far beyond himself that he was sure he’d died and someone had taken over his body. Or maybe it was the other way round—his body wasn’t his anymore and he was trapped in it without a way out.

#

Han looked murderous when he marched into the Snoke’s apartment only a few hours later.

“No, Dad,” Ben begged. “I came here of my own volition. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The look on Han’s face was something that would haunt Ben much longer than anything else—as if he’d pushed a blade through Han’s heart. And yet Han hugged Ben tight, trying, perhaps, to shield him from evil with the strength of his arms. For a blink of an eye Ben felt warmer. But then there was the cold drive home, and the even colder police station, and Leia’s cold hand on Ben’s, and the cold medical center with their clinical exams. Sympathetic people talked to Ben in sweet voices, when Ben didn’t deserve any of that kindness.

But it all felt very unreal and very distant, as if Ben had swallowed not a sun but a thick rain cloud—he was freezing inside and full of something clogging like cotton, but at the same time empty, and floating, floating.


	10. Chapter 10

#SATURDAY

“Ben?” Leia knocked on Ben’s door despite it being open. It was always open these days, ever since Ben had been brought back home, as if no one trusted him to lie on his bed unsupervised, despite his phone and his laptop having been confiscated. Gone were all of Ben’s social media accounts, his LoL nick—everything, really. He had no personality anymore, no way to contact the outside world. He was pretty much non-existent. But he couldn’t even find it in himself to care. Who would he even contact if he could?

He didn’t answer Leia, but he didn’t pretend to be asleep either. He continued doing what he’d been doing since Han had left him here on Tuesday night: he lay flat in his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying hard, and failing, not to think about anything. Not about the hospital and the police, the prodding and the prying, the questions and swipes and exams, the bright lights, the nurses being all gentle and caring, and the doctors being kind—much kinder than Ben deserved.

“Honey.” Leia sat on the edge of Ben’s bed and brushed his greasy hair from his forehead. Her voice was soft, and Ben wanted to scream at her for walking on eggshells around him. He wasn’t fucking dying. He wasn’t going to lash out or have a tantrum or fucking commit suicide. He was _fine_. He just didn’t want to get up from his bed since there was _nothing_ to get up for.

“Armitage is here. Do you want to see him?”

Ben closed his eyes. He couldn’t see _Hux_. He didn’t care much about anyone else or anything else, but he couldn’t… not Hux. He felt tears prickle at the corners of his eyelids and turned his face away from Leia to prevent her from noticing.

Leia sighed and stroked Ben’s hair again. He didn’t like it but he didn’t mind it either—he was so hollowed-out, it hardly registered at all.

“Okay,” she said. “You don’t have to. I’ll go tell him you’re not well yet and to come back later.”

She got up, leaving Ben still facing away and wishing he could shut his mind off the way Leia would shut the door in Hux’s face. The meds that they’d given him dulled everything to a survivable ache, making him not mind things as much as he normally would, but still he couldn’t keep the self-recrimination at bay. He’d failed Hux yet again, just like he’d done before. Just like he failed everyone. Just like he’d always do.

#

It was dark outside, so the day must have gone by, when Han popped his head inside Ben’s room. “Hey, kid, do you want pizza?”

Ben grunted something that maybe passed as approval. Everything tasted like cardboard anyway, so he might as well indulge Han, whose awkward attempts at engaging Ben in any conversation would normally annoy Ben immensely, but he couldn’t care about that now. Not that they’d ever known how to talk to each other. But he owed Han at least a one-word answer, after everything Han had done for him.

“Okay,” he said, wincing when his voice came out scratchy.

Han lingered for a few excruciatingly long moments, but eventually just said, “Good. I’ll get a pepperoni for you and I’ll share a mushroom and ham one with Leia,” and went out.

How weird was life that it took Ben pulling a stunt like he’d done for his parents to finally mend things between each other and share a pizza together.

 

#SATURDAY

A week later Ben was out of bed, sitting on the couch in the living room watching a culinary competition without really seeing it. He was showered, dressed in clean clothes, and he’d managed to eat a slice of toast for breakfast, so Leia was confident enough to leave him alone for half a day to do some overdue interviews. Her work must have been piling up; she’d taken it home to watch over Ben for nearly two weeks straight now.

Ben appreciated her concern and Han’s too, but he was glad to be left alone for a while. He really was fine and he didn’t need babysitting, and he certainly didn’t deserve Leia caring for him. Not after what he’d done. Han had gone back to New York for work and to pack up his things, but he would be back on Monday to move back in permanently.

The doorbell rang and Ben ignored it. He didn’t want to deal with UPS or whoever that was. When the doorbell rang again, Ben groaned and got up to answer the door. And there was Hux, dressed in beige slacks and a pale green shirt that made his eyes look like emeralds and his hair appear even redder than usual.

“I’m sorry,” Hux said. “I don’t want to be, like, imposing myself on you and I’ll go if you don’t want to see me, but you don’t answer your phone or reply to texts, so…”

“My phone’s still in custody,” Ben said flatly, despite his whole body lighting up at the sight of Hux. “I might get it back next week.”

He’d gotten his laptop back the other night but he hadn’t felt like powering it up. The LoL community was as good as gone for him. The press hadn’t gotten hold of his story yet, thanks to Leia’s tremendous efforts to keep it out of the media, but Ben suspected that his and especially Snoke’s absence had been discussed on the forum boards. Snoke had been arrested and was awaiting trial; Ben was a minor, and even if he declined testifying, the evidence from the “rape kit” gathered from him would be enough to keep Snoke locked up. Plus, they’d found way more on Snoke’s home computer than just chats with Ben. Of all the things, this particular news made Ben feel even worse. He hadn’t been unique, he hadn’t been the chosen one, Snoke’s only brilliant friend; he’d been just one of many, many other boys, and he’d been just as stupid as the rest of them.

Ben opened the door wider. He might as well take this moment to beg Hux for forgiveness; he’d have to do it someday anyway.

“Come in.”

He led Hux inside and looked at the couch, and the TV with the baking contest now reaching the final presentation, and he suddenly felt like he was suffocating. He needed to be out.

“Porch?” he asked, already passing through the living room to get outside. Hux followed him in silence.

They sat down on the porch steps, Ben facing away from Hux, who’d extracted his cigarettes and offered one to Ben, who shook his head. He had enough meds swirling in his body and changing his emotions, and he didn’t need any more foreign substances, even if it was just simple nicotine.

He was grateful that Hux hadn’t immediately launched into questions about how Ben was feeling, like everyone else did these days. _So, how are you feeling, Ben? Are you all right?_ With implication of: _Will you run away from home again? Will you cut your veins if we leave you alone for a day?_

He wouldn’t know how to answer, anyway. He still wasn’t sure what he felt anymore. He was very much erased at this point, replaced by someone who perhaps (like his doctor suggested) was way more Ben than he’d ever been before, but it was a person Ben did not yet know or understand—someone alien. The doctor had promised Ben that as time went by he’d feel less artificial, but that at first he’d feel quite numb as he adjusted to the medication, and Ben nodded his agreement. He’d wanted that annihilation. He’d been so grateful to have all his fucking emotions fade away that he’d never even complained once—not about being deprived of all his life energy along with the pain, not about the bitter taste of everything he tried to eat, not about having his sleep cycle all screwed up.

He had to admit that the initial side-effects were all waning now, just as the doc had promised, leaving behind a sort of cool serenity that wasn’t all unpleasant. The detachment also helped in moments of sudden flashbacks that still made Ben’s mind zap and recoil in dread. Those memories hit Ben so hard in the beginning. He’d tried hard to breathe through them, even though they made him feel like he was going to throw up or explode, or crack into a million pieces.

He bit the inside of his cheek now at the onslaught images: bony hands on his hips, on his throat, grabbing his hair. Snoke’s face, contorting with each thrust. He shivered and put his head on his knees, focusing on breathing, not ready to break down in front of Hux.

 _I wanted it,_ he reminded himself. _I could have said no. I’m stronger than him. He couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do. I wanted it. I wanted it all._

“I slept with him,” he said aloud. He didn’t know what Leia had told Hux when he’d come last week, but he guessed it was best to have it all out in the open and behind him. “Snoke, I mean.”

Hux was silent, and that felt like a blast to the heart too. Maybe Ben wanted Hux to scream and grab Ben, to shout, “This was something we were supposed to do together. This was something for us. Me and you!” And Hux didn’t even ask why. Perhaps he didn’t care. After all he’d stopped seeing Ben even before _Disaster Day._ That was how Ben referred it to in his mind: his own personal D-Day.

“I’m sure you heard it all from my mom, anyway,” he added, swallowing hard.

“Not really,” Hux said and hesitated, as if not wanting to give Leia away. “She said you’d tell me yourself when you got better. But, yeah, I know that something happened that morning, something that made you…” He made a gesture of hitting things with a hammer. “And that you disappeared afterwards, and that your dad brought you home three days later.”

Had it really been just three days? To Ben it had felt like so much longer than that. Like weeks, or years.

“I assumed that you’d gone to that Snoke guy, and after—when I spoke to Leia—that something must have happened to you. But I…” Hux closed his eyes for a moment. “I didn’t know that he…”

“I understand if I disgust you now,” Ben said, when he was sure Hux wouldn’t continue. He leaned forward again, hugging his knees and hiding his face behind his hair.

“What?”

Ben couldn’t see Hux from where he was hunched over his knees, but Hux sounded genuinely like he didn’t understand.

“You know.” Ben made a vague gesture, still not looking up. “That I let that old guy do things with me.” Not _to me_ , Ben thought. _With._ It all had been consensual. Maybe he hadn’t wanted it. Maybe he’d just thought he had to do it. But he’d said _yes_ nonetheless. That was what he’d try to explain to that nurse, but still she’d reported it to the police.

When Hux didn’t answer, perhaps too repulsed by what Ben had just confessed, Ben finally peered up.

Hux didn’t appear revolted. He looked angry, and maybe a little sad. “You don’t _disgust_ me.” Hux’s jaw was clenched so it made his voice strained, almost every word stressed. “I’m _furious_. I could rip that fucker’s throat out. And I…” He stopped and turned to Ben fully. “Why didn’t you just _wait_ for me?”

For a moment Ben thought that Hux meant his first fuck, but then he realized that Hux was talking about that specific day. The engine. Before he could answer, Hux cut him off angrily. “I mean, I know. I’m so sorry Ben. I wanted to apologize to you a thousand times over, and it still wouldn’t be enough.”

“What for?” Now Ben was the one who couldn’t understand. He’d been the one who’d destroyed everything, so why was Hux apologizing?

Hux stood up. “For being an asshole, that’s for the start.” He sat down again when he saw Ben flinch at the tone of his voice and the way that Hux loomed over him. “I should have… Listen, I’m shit at this. I can’t describe my _feelings,_ and most of the time I probably don’t even _have_ them, and maybe that’s why you both repulsed and fascinated me so much when we started working together. But, I was… _unsettled_ by what was suddenly happening between us—to me—and I didn’t have _time_ for this, and I was even more worried of what Brendol would do to me if he found out. And he was already starting to suspect. It was one thing to fool around a little, and another to have all those conversations that we had. I wanted so much to see you again, and again, and again. The point is, I’m so fucking sorry that I treated you like you were no one to me. That I pretended I didn’t care. I keep thinking that if only I hadn’t been such an asshole to you, maybe you wouldn’t have done what you did.”

Ben’s heart was hammering, because he didn’t quite understand what was Hux confessing here. “You mean—I wouldn’t destroy the engine?”

“ _Fuck_. _The. Engine_. Ben.” Hux was shaking now, half-turned away and so angry—and Ben could work with that, maybe. He was adept with people being angry and disappointed with him.

“I’m sorry,” Ben rushed before Hux could continue. “I was told that Luke graded it from all the photos you took and that video we made and that we got a special achievement award. So, you’ll get your credit for future college application. But still, it wasn’t presented at the fair. I ruined it all. I was sure you’d hate me for the rest of your life.”

“Well, I did not have much love for you on that particular day.” Hux laughed, bitterly. “And my father was… most displeased.” Hux closed his eyes for a second at the memory. “I still don’t know what happened, and I’d very much like to hear your version, because—for the love of God—what could possibly anger you so much that you destroyed months of our work?” He again waved to Ben not to answer when Ben took a breath to explain. “I think I don’t need to hear it just yet. But fuck, you could have waited for me even then. We’d have figured it out. We could have said we had a car accident. I don’t know. I’d probably have shouted at you, but I’d have gotten over it, eventually. I _did_ get over it. Especially since we had everything documented in photos and on that video, the whole process of it. Do you know that they might actually put our engine into production?”

Ben raised his eyebrows. For the first time in weeks he felt something like hope and life seeping into him. “What, really?”

Hux shrugged. “I mean, we’ll see. But that’s what they said. And the professor at West Point who taught robotics said that he was interested, too.”

“Oh, right. Fuck.” Ben felt awful for having forgotten. He’d been so preoccupied with his self-induced drama, he hadn’t even noticed that Hux had gone and come back from his personal hell. “It’s all over now, isn’t it? The camp? Was it a slaughterhouse?”

“What, the SLE?” Hux’s eyes lit up. “No. Yes. Well, it was. It’s still not a path I’d choose for myself willingly. But some things were nice, actually.”

“No.” Ben laughed. It felt good to tease Hux, to be here again—present and a bit more alive. For a long time he was sure everything, including his ability to smile, was lost forever.

“I’m serious.” Hux shook his head. “The training was a pain and there was so fucking much of it, but it was way less challenging than I expected after watching all those YouTube vids. I wasn’t even the worst one there, and I sure as fuck wasn’t as tired as I thought I’d be. I slept more than at home, which is—you know. And the classes were so different than anything we’ve ever done at school! There was this professor who taught a weapon design class, and I hope I can get into his course when I’m there. _If_ I get in. What are you laughing at?” he asked, annoyed when he saw Ben smirking.

“No, nothing. I guess that’s good? I think I’m going to try to go there, too.”

“Hmm?”

“Yes. I looked at their program before, remember? When you told me about it. And at first I thought ‘no fucking way,’ but now, I think this is something I’d like to try.” It was all tumbling out of Ben now. He was suddenly sure of his plans. “If they have me, that is. I’ll have to improve my grades. And I’d need be positively evaluated medically. Which might be harder than getting good grades. But maybe it’s doable?”

Hux’s expression was… problematic. Underneath the surprise and the usual tightness there was something resembling _hope_ in his eyes.

“That,” Hux said. “Yes. I’d love that. I could help you with math if you really feel like you need to catch up to get to the advanced class next year, but I’m not sure you’ll need any help, really—you’re too smart.”

“I could train with you, too,” Ben said, wanting to contribute something and ignoring Hux’s compliment. He’d marvel at it later. “I’m not doing any yoga, though.”

“Okay, okay.” Hux’s lips twitched and then he smiled, a real, warm smile that changed his whole face. He was fucking _gleaming_ , and for a moment Ben was under the impression that Hux was going to jump on him and kiss him. But Hux composed himself and put his long fingers flat on his knees, maintaining his dignified pose.

They sat in silence for a while; it settled over Ben like a warm, fluffy blanket. In this time and space he didn’t have to pretend, he didn’t have to try, he didn’t have to do anything, really. He once thought that he’d found that in Snoke’s friendship—Snoke’s understanding of him, his acceptance without judgment—but it all turned out to be a ruse. After having learned it was all a lie, Ben felt uprooted, cheated on, and idiotic for being led on so easily. He wished he’d known Hux from the start, earlier, before Snoke. But then maybe he wouldn’t have appreciated any of those things about Hux that he could admire now? Hux’s sharp, often cruel remarks, his easy silence, and Hux biting the inside of his cheek when he was annoyed, or breathing loudly when he came, or crinkling his eyes at something funny that Ben said?

 “So, what will you do during the holidays?” Hux asked when they’d been sitting there for what seemed like ages. The sun was crawling up the sky, making everything bright and translucent like an overdeveloped photograph.

“Therapy.” Ben chuckled without much humor and winced at Hux’s raised eyebrows. “It’s going to be a nightmare. Worst than your camp, I’m sure. You were there for a week and I’m being sent away for a _month_ to this place for like, you know, troubled youths from rich families.”

“Sounds like a place you’ll love?” Hux smiled sadly and then looked the other way, as if Ben’s plans affronted him personally.

“What?” Ben asked.

Hux shrugged. “I guess I hoped you’d be around. We could rebuild the engine over the summer or do something else. I’ve got this idea for a drone with the capacity to hold a human.”

“You’d be willing to work with me again after all I put you through?”

Hux looked Ben in the eye. “Who else?” he asked.

Warmth spread through Ben’s chest. He’d been so sure that Hux would never have anything to do with him again, that he’d be angry and disappointed in Ben forever. But not only had Hux forgiven Ben, he was willing to work with him again, and he’d said he had _feelings_ for Ben.

He smiled back tiredly, his body too worn-out to show real, full-on excitement.

“Will you… be okay, then?” Hux asked when the silence stretched too long.

“Yes. I’m fine,” Ben said, automatically. He pushed his hair out of his face. “I mean. I don’t know. They’ve got me on meds now. It’s weird. I feel so off, and artificial, but at the same time I feel the way I should feel? Even though I feel odd? Like it’s not the me I know, but the me I’ll get used to feeling like? Fuck, that’s a lot of _feeling_.” He shook his head and snorted and Hux laughed along.

The light shone through the leaves of a tree with branches stretched above the porch, casting shadows on Hux’s face, and Ben thought there was nothing that he wanted more in this world than to be here with Hux, watching Hux’s smile reflected in his eyes under the green leaves and shadows.

If he had to train and study over the summer and endure a month of therapy and take medication—so be it. It was all worth it and he was willing to do it. As long as Hux would wait for him and want him still, despite everything.

He leaned toward Hux and beamed when Hux didn’t recoil from the small kiss he planted chastely on his lips.

Above them the leaves rustled in the wind, as green as Hux’s eyes and as alive as Ben felt again.

 

 

 

#

 

_And I wonder_

_If everything could ever feel this real forever_

_If anything could ever be this good again_

_The only thing I'll ever ask of you_

_You've got to promise not to stop when I say when_

_\--- Dave Grohl, “Everlong”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for sticking with me with this story and being patient enough to wait for updates.  
> Many thanks to Sillygoose for being my best beta and for putting up with my constant changes to this fic and my last minute changes <3 Any remaining mistakes (especially in the final chapter) are all my fault!
> 
> There might be some outtakes - of boys' sexual adventures in USMA, and later on, but since I'm such a slow writer, it may happen after TLJ is released and there's no way of telling what the film will do to our fandom and canon so... I guess we will see! 
> 
> Once again, thank you so much to everyone who read and kudosed and commented - you are the best! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Kylo (Ben) is 17 in this story and so is Hux, and while they are technically past the age of consent in the District of Columbia where the story is set, I am tagging it “underage” just in case.
> 
> There will be (brief) references to Snoke coercing Ben into having sex. 
> 
> There are descriptions of mental illness, explicit scenes of self-harm, rage, depression, and also - Alzheimer’s disease. 
> 
> I’ve never attended U.S. high school, so all the details about it are written as I know them from movies, TV series and research online. I’m also not a LoL player and have zero knowledge of physic or engineering, so please let me know if I messed anything up and I will fix it!
> 
> I’m not an English native speaker, bear with my weird use of language.


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